Infinite

Little Miss Piggy

2012-02-17T19:53:00.001+13:00

Apart from the fact that I am not a Blonde Muppet character I could easily pass for Little Miss Piggy's twin or something. The hair is the same, the face is the same, all I'm missing the the nose. I have quite literally GORGED myself on food today. I'm not even going to try to hold my stomach in because there is way too much food in there. And I really need to stop eating just for the sake of it. Apart from having an entire big breakfast at lunch which I finished entirely I got home not too long after and had pasta. And then after that stuffed myself on chips and chocolate and then not long after that had dinner. And now I'm absolutely stuffed and all I wanna do is lay down and sleep because it hurts to move. Starting next week when I will buy a pair of suitable togs to swim in I will be going to the gym at least once a week to swim because this stomach situation is getting ridiculous. I am getting older and I can no longer rely on just EH that I'm going to stay this tiny. So I'm going to do something about it to ensure that my flab at least turns into some kind of muscle. I need to do this for myself.

Eventful

2012-02-17T15:39:00.000+13:00

Today was an eventful day. And it's not even over yet :)
This morning the family and I got up early and get ready and by 11am we were on the road to our KAM Talent interview. It's basically a Talent agency and we all decided to sign up so that we could all make a little bit of extra money. Lets face it, we all need it, especially since we're wanting to go home at the end of the year.
Then after that, we stopped off in Takapuna and had lunch and had a bit of a browse around before popping back home. And now we're all just chilling, doing our own things. It feels good to come home and relax.

It feels good to get things done.

2012-02-15T14:23:00.000+13:00

It's actually the strangest thing. But I am so happy. Like actually happy with myself and with life and everything that's happening right now. I'm content and happy with being alone. And happy with what I'm doing in life. I'm being really optimistic about everything and I'm loving it.
Today has been a good day despite the fact that I've gotten like, no sleep. I woke up early. Made myself and epic sandwich for breakfast and cleaned the kitchen. Got dressed and ready and then left to catch the bus to the Plaza so Danielle could take me to get my bloods done. We were both so tired though, so everything was ridiculously hysterical and we'd break out in fits of giggles all the time.
After getting my bloods taken my arms just casually decided to start oozing blood and I was like WTF. And had to go back in to get it cleaned up. Then we went and got coffee and then went to do my light shopping. Found full piece togs but didn't have $70 for it. So I'll just have to get it next week. Got a pair of shoes. Priced the sweaters and stuff I wanted from JayJays. Then we went and got Sushi for lunch. And then went and got me library book. Starting from the letter A. I'm content with today. Also, going to get my hair trimmed sooner. Then hopefully going to a swim with Bex and Rose, only if I can get home by like 5 though, coz I have to work for Tez. YAY life. Everything is going swell.

Facial Rant

2012-02-13T16:24:00.000+13:00

As girls go, I feel that I'm pretty well rounded about my appearance. I don't spend hours in front of the mirror applying layers upon layers of make up to make my face look good. I generally feel that I have a nice face. But recently, it's the only part of my body that I'm hating. It probably has a lot to do with the fact that my medication is making my face all fat and chubby but it really bothers me that there's nothing I can do about it. My face is looking terrible. The skin on my forehead (as much as it's hidden by my hair) is looking atrocious! Which it hasn't since I was maybe 14. It's not to say that it's covered in zits, because it's not. It just looks gross. It's not clear and I hate it. My cheeks are all puffy and gross and my nose and chin are looking terrible too. I've decided I hate pores. They are disgusting. I'm constantly spending ridiculous amounts of time trying to get all the dirt out of them and NOTHING is working. Generally I can get my nose pretty clean and it'll look alright. But I hate my chin. It always looks gross and disgusting and dirty and no amount of cleaning is working and it's driving me insane. No amount of eye make up makes me look good anymore. I'm just this disgusting fat blob face thing and it's making me not want to go anywhere. My face is looking disgusting and I can't handle it. And OMG. I cannot wait till I am off these meds so my face can go back to normal and I can go back to not hating what I look like.

Starting to feel myself again

2012-02-12T21:20:00.001+13:00

I'm slowly but surely starting to feel like myself again. I'm also starting to take better care of myself. I don't know if it has to do with being in hospital or maybe it's just because I'm growing up and maturing. But I actually want to watch my weight. I want to look better than just alright in clothes. I want to feel good about myself when I look in the mirror. I want to look in the mirror and say "This is exactly how I want to look, I don't want to change anything" rather than "I need to lose this stomach".
I had work today. Woke up at 6am and got ready. It was actually so nice to be back at work. Making sandwiches and serving customers. I actually love my job. Then I came home and had a shower and a bit of nap and chill time before going to work at DC. Which was alright too. A bit boring but I can't really expect anything else. It feels good to get back to doing normal things. I still get tired though. But I'm thinking that's just the meds.

Bookworm

2012-02-11T22:58:00.000+13:00

When I was a kid I loved to read. I was a genuine bookworm. I never went anywhere without a book in my hand. I was always reading. As I grew older though I kinda dwindled away from books. For not really any other reason than the fact that I because pretty busy socially. I still enjoyed reading. I STILL enjoy reading. Recently though, since being sick, I've fallen back in love with it. I'd forgotten how nice to was to lose yourself in another reality and forget about everything that's going on around you. I finished 4 books in about 3 days. Granted they were children's books, but they were very good. I'm off to start another one soon. Maybe not tonight though, coz I have work at 6.30am and I'm already exhausted.

Summer is here

2012-02-10T19:43:00.000+13:00

Finally. After how long Summer has finally come to little old New Zealand. The weather is been absolutely amazing since getting out of the hospital and I'm hoping it stays that way for a while. Today was good. After like 2months of not seeing my Wifey we went on a date today. I met her at the Plaza at about 1pm and we sat at Esquires for a bit and then got sushi for lunch which was amazing as always. And after had cheesecake from the bakery next door and then we went for a stroll back up the main road so I could catch the bus home. It was so good to just be with her again and talk about how much we really don't like anyone but how we put up with them. Having a good old ROFL about life and people. I can't wait till I'm better so I can go out and party with her again. I miss it so much. Then I came home and attempted to make a peach crumble which Mom had to save once she got home. I'm not a very good baker at all but the recipe I was working from was ridiculous. And I pretty much guessed half the measurements of things so as long as we don't die and it tastes okay I think we'll have a success on our hands.
I have noodle canteen waiting for me downstairs. Can't decide if I'm hungry enough to eat anything yet, but whatever Dad's making for dinner is smelling really good. Also, YAY for the weekend. Hoping the weather stays good this weekend so my parents can at least enjoy the sun.

Exhaustion

2012-02-09T22:05:00.002+13:00

I swear, never in my whole entire life have I ever been this tired. Constantly. Even if I think back to Uni when I was barely getting any sleep. It gets to like, 3 in the afternoon and I just want to curl up in a ball and go to sleep. Unfortunately for me, as much as my eyes want to close, the rest of my body does not want to sleep. And to top it all off I can't seem to sleep past about 7.30 - 8ish the mornings now because of my body clock being all weird thanks to being in the hospital. As well as that not helping, my medication makes me retain so much water so I'm up at least 3 times a night stumbling bleary eyed to the bathroom to pee like a fucking fire engine. Thankfully, I've given up on walking all the way downstairs and just taken to using Mom and Dad's bathroom. It takes too much energy to climb those stairs when you're that tired.
Aside from being tired though, today was a good day.
Ali and I had a lovely beach day down at Shakespeare. The plan was to swim but the tide was out and when we went into the water the clouds decided to be in front of the clouds so in the end we just sat in the sun. My skin now feels all gross and leathery. But I'll moisturise soon.
Contacted both my bosses and I'm back to working. Bright and early, opening at Ripples at 6.30 Sunday morning. Not doing my Sunday shift this week at Drunken Crayfish though coz Jenny has someone else on. Working Tuesday night though at DC.
Jenny drives me up the wall though. She's a lovely boss and we get on well but OMG. She is the worst at communication and organisation. I understand that I haven't been working my Sunday shift heaps lately because I've either been sick or Tez needed the money. And since I've been ill I understand she had to find new staff to fill. But now I'm back and all of a sudden she just wants to change my days. Without bothering to check it with me first, despite whether I was sick or not. She really really frustrates me. But whatever, I still have Ripples and Ann is actually AMAZING! And as much as I hate coming home smelling like oil I'd rather work there. I actually miss it.

I find myself thinking

2012-02-09T12:25:00.000+13:00

As most humans go we all think. Incessantly. Or at least, as a female I know I think incessantly. About really irrelevant things at the strangest of times. At night I find myself thinking about my future. About moving out and buying a house and a car. And having a home that I can call MINE and only mine. A cute little house with maybe 2 rooms, a nice kitchen, open plan living space and a deck in the back yard where I will be able to entertain my friends and family. I think about living alone, with maybe one to two dogs. Having people over for dinner. And just generally thinking about being grown up. All of a sudden I feel like I'm ready. I want to get my licence, I want to be at Uni and have a part time job and live in my own house, surrounded by the things that I was able to get for myself.

And then I think about how, at some point along the way I'm going to have to share that space with someone. And I don't actually know how that makes me feel. For so long it's like I've been worried about being alone for the rest of my life. Never having that someone, that best friend, that boyfriend, that husband. But now, all of a sudden, thinking about it, I'm not afraid to be alone. I don't mind that I'll be in a house by myself. And it's the strangest thing.I can't seem to picture myself living out this future in my head with anyone else.

Crohns Update

2012-02-09T12:22:00.001+13:00

Went to see Dr Wallace yesterday.
He's taken down my dosage of Prednisone from 40mg to 30mg but I think I accidentally took the 40mg this morning. But oh well.
I was scheduled to have another Colonoscopy next week (16th) but Dr Wallace is going away or something so it's now been moved to the 21st Feb. I've had this procedure done before so I'm not to worried. I'm just dreading the whole, no eating for two days before hand. All I can do is drink things. So that's what's going on my sickness.

In other news, went for my first swim yesterday. It was AMAZING and the weather has actually been amazing. I kinda wanna go to the beach again today. If I wasn't so tired and lazy I'd have walked over the hill to the wharf, but as it stands, I'm neither strong enough and I am lazy. So there's that.

Girls Day

2012-02-07T20:56:00.000+13:00

Today was lovely. I woke up pretty early, coz since coming back from the hospital my body clock is all weird and I'm up at like 7.30 although, I did stubbornly lay in bed till 8. Anyhow, got up, had breakfast, cleaned the kitchen ( Since coming back from the hospital I wanna do like, adult things. Like clean the house, and cook food and do washing and stuff. It's been really weird) and then I sat and watched Grey's Anatomy and knitted. Then Ali came over and we chilled and then we went to lunch and did some deliveries for Mike. And then we went and got ourselves a mani-pedi done which was lovely. Ali spoils me so much. I owe her so much money! She just keeps spending money on me, I feel so bad.
After the nail doing we went back to hers and just chilled on the deck in the sun. The weather was SO NICE today and it was god to be out in the sun, getting a tan, doing absolutely nothing because there was nothing that needed doing. This is the summer I wish I'd had for the past 4 months.

I have a doctors appointment tomorrow, hopefully they'll whine me off the medication now or at least start, because all these meds make my head feel so stuffy.
Anyway, got a shitload of books from Ali so I'm going to get into bed soon and make a start.

BBQ Night

2012-02-06T02:21:00.001+13:00

Despite my exhaustion, tonight was actually really lovely. Went to Rose's for a bbq. The boys were there, as were Tish and her friends and Josie and Bethan and a few other cool kids. It was nice to see everyone again. And it was nice to just sit around and eat and chat and catch up. It was actually good to sit and talk about what was wrong with me, since no one actually has a clue what Crohns is.
It was hilarious catching up with Josie. She was telling us about her holiday in the Philipines, where she's from originally I guess. And how poor everyone is and how because she's like, half European everyone thought they were movie stars or something. It would have been such a culture shock. It's was weird though, having her say these things, coz atm I'm reading like, an autobiography of this one Asian lady called Mary Weijun Collins and it's basically exactly like Josie was describing the Philipines. It's crazy to think that we can live in a world so developed, yet there are still places out there that are so poverty stricken and we as humans are too selfish to do anything about it unless it directly involves us. It really sickens me and makes me hate the human race.

Anyway, enough hating on society. So, Kyle and Bex are doing this like, relationship strengthening thing where they don't have any form of contact with each other for like 2 months. These two ALWAYS astound me and impress me with how mature they are in their relationship. They're so strong all the time and it just goes to show that communication is the key! Bex and I had yet another D&M when she dropped me home. It never ceases to amaze me how much we can both talk. Out of literally everyone I know I feel like she's the one I can talk to about anything and everything. She's such an amazing person and she inspires me to be so much better. I always feel really good about myself after having a D&M with Bex because she has so much wisdom and knowledge and she talks through everything all the time. And like, she doesn't try to give you advice unless you ask for it. She kinda lets you talk it through and realise things for yourself and it helps so much.

And, back to the bbq where all I wanted to do was eat, which I did. But eating was a bad decision because it was pretty much just junk food minus the bread that I ate and my stomach was protesting HEAVILY when I got home. It's okay now, after having gone to the bathroom and destroyed the poor toilet (gross I know, get used to it). I just can't wait till the day when my insides are back to normal again. I hate being so uncertain about everything.

Sunday

2012-02-05T17:35:00.000+13:00

Today was good. Mom, Dad and I left early and took a trip up north to Matakana and Omaha and those places. It was really nice up there. The homes in Omaha are amazing! It's such a cute little community. It was nice to get out and walk about. Although, I have to say I am extremely exhausted.
Going to Rose's in about and hour or so. She's having a BBQ, I'm excited to get out of the house and see those kids again. Haven't seen any of them in so long.
Hoping my exhaustion goes away or that I won't be too tired.

Day 1 at home

2012-02-04T21:35:00.000+13:00

Today was good. It feels so good to be at home. Didn't really get up to much. I was on the net, did some knitting. Watched some TV. Ate a shitload of food. Helped Dad make dinner. Went to church. It was nice. I'm exhausted now though. I was watching The Accidental Husband, but it's actually a really bad movie. And I'm not really in the mood for romantic comedies right now, even though I'm missing out on the beautiful Jeffrey Dean Morgan *shrugs*. Decided I'd climb into bed and setting in for the night.

Also, it's stupid, but I'm semi paranoid. And I literally have NO reason to be. I'm hoping it's just the meds. Because like... I legitimately look like I'm pregnant. Like, my stomach is huge. And I know, I KNOW there is absolutely no way I can be because 1 I just had my period, 2 I'm on the pill and 3 I'm a virgin. But I'm still freaking the fuck out a bit because I could be mistaken for being pregnant. I really could. Except my boobs are still small. But even so, the Crohns makes my stomach all bubbly and it feels like there's something in there you know? Moving around and stuff. Idk. It's weird. I have nothing to worry about. But still.

Security blanket

2012-02-03T22:43:00.001+13:00

It's weird, being away from home for so long, you don't notice the things you take for granted. The things you notice every time you drive towards that familiar place called home. On the way back from the hospital it was all the little things. Like the flower beds that they do up all nice in Silverdale, and the one coming into Gulf Harbour. And even just turning the corner and seeing your house. It's so nice.
And it's so nice to be in bed, be surrounded by my things. My guitar. My music. My books. It feels nice to home.
I hadn't listened to music in so long I never wanna turn it off.
It's weird though, being home yet knowing I still can't do much. Not that I want to. But I feel like I need to get organised.
Last night I was laying awake because I couldn't sleep. And all I could think about is that I need to sort my life out. I need to get my licence. I need to start growing up. I need to get used to doing things like cleaning and cooking and doing chores around the house all the time instead of just leaving it for someone else or some other time for me to do it. I need to become me responsible and think about things like bills and a house and car and things I'll need once I have to leave the nest. I mean, it's nice to think that I'll have this little house to myself with all the things I've gotten by myself but I have to think realistically about it, money wise and time wise and job wise. There's so many things I'd like to do but then it's like, when do I feel that it's the right time to settle down, have a family, have a job. I mean, I look at my parents and they got married at 25. That's literally 4 years away for me. 4 years. I need to find a husband. A job. Start actually living. And 4 years isn't a long way away. I don't wanna be sitting here when I'm 30 going, right, now lets starts a life. Growing up is so hard.
That's why it's nice to have these little pleasures, security blankets, like my room. And my music. That's mine. That I don't have to worry about. I can just wrap myself in them and drift away for a while.

Home - for the final time.

2012-02-03T18:50:00.001+13:00

So... After leaving you I thought I was getting better. But turns out I wasn't. Went back into hospital on the 27th. Finally got out today. Feels so good to be home. In my own house, in my own bed. I my own clothes. Huge thanks to the nurses and doctors for make me at least 60% better. The rest is just for me to take my meds and take it easy. Which I plan to do for as long as I can. Uni starts in a couple of weeks as it is so I wanna be better for that at least.

On my so much medication though.
On top of my Yasmin I am now on 2 different types of steroids plus my calcium pill and my Asacol. So lets hope the concoction works.
I'm too tired to really write too much right now.
Might do it later. But chances are, I won't.
Every things is going well though, all things considering.

Facing the Facts

2012-01-25T21:15:00.000+13:00

So, last time I left you I was in unbearable pain with my crohns having flared up again. I had been hoping it would've disappeared by the Friday because I had a BDO ticket and I really wanted to go. However, I was weak and I could barely keep anything in. I could hardly walk and so, Thursday night I decided that selling my ticket was the only thing I could do. Luckily, Sean was willing to buy it off me, I sold it to him for half price. The money doesn't really bother me all too much. I'm just glad it went to use.
Anyway, Friday morning, instead of getting up ridiculously early to got to BDO I had Mom and Dad telling me to get showered and get dressed because they were calling an ambulance for me as they were worried I wasn't getting any better. I know it seems a bit drastic for an ambulance, I mean, it's not like I was dying or anything but I understand why they called one. So there I was, in hospital by 8.25am getting examined and having a lure put in my arm so I could get fluids in my system. I was only hoping on staying for the day, but apparently the doctors thought otherwise. My Gastroenterologist specialist just happened to be working at the hospital too so after he came to see me I was moved to a different room and they kept me there over night for observation.

One thing I've learnt is that having a lure in your arm is extremely uncomfortable. I couldn't really bend my arm and I couldn't sleep comfortably, and it was annoying having to carry it with me every time I needed the bathroom. Also, it wasn't much of a good sleep because the nurses had to come in every couple of hours to check my vitals to see if I was doing okay. So Saturday came and went pretty much the same and by the end of the day I had been moved to the stroke ward and was roomed with a lovely old lady, Gloria. We managed to keep each other company which was nice. I've decided I prefer old people a lot more to teenagers. They're nicer and funnier and generally better human beings. I'm pretty sure I was the youngest one in the ward besides the new born baby down the corridor. And the nurses weren't half bad either, apart from waking me up at ridiculous hours of the night. But that's their job I guess.

Sunday the drip was taken out so it was a lot more comfortable to sleep and easier to get around. I was exploring the ward and even went for a bit of a walk outside which was nice. The food wasn't too bad either. A bit bland if anything but it kept me alive and fed which was good. And by Monday I was free to go. I was so happy to be getting back home. However, thinking back on it now, I would so much enjoy having one of those motorized hospital beds. So much easier than trying to prop yourself up on pillows. And strangely enough they were quite comfortable. I also miss getting breakfast in bed. It was nice to have most things done of you. Although, in saying that, my hygiene was not something to be desired. I think I only showered twice while there and didn't really bother brushing my teeth, or washing my hair or trying to smell nice. I didn't really see the point, the only ones who came to see me loved me as I was. And, as disgusting as I was there is something to be said about not giving a rats ass and being dirty. I had no energy, let alone longing to make myself look good for anyone. I didn't care how I looked.

Now, being back home for the second day I feel mean because Mom and Dad are always asking if I need anything done for me. And I know I'm supposed to be resting but I really don't mind doing things. Although Mom cleaned my room for me today which was nice. I'm still weak so walking around a lot, even walking up the stairs takes a lot out of me. They'll both be at work tomorrow but I'm sure I'll be okay. All I do is curl up on the couch and watch Food TV anyway.
And on that note I have to say, all I've been doing today and wanting to do is eat. I don't know if it's the medication (which is making me put on weight anyway) but all I want to do is eat, even when I'm full. Maybe chewing gum will work? The medication is working though, there isn't as much pain or blood. And I'm not going to the bathroom as often. But I just wish it would clear up fast so I can enjoy what little bit of summer I have left. Fat or not I guess. I don't want to gain weight but if it'll help me get better then I'll just have to gain weight. My cheeks are already puffing up and I feel heavier and bloated but it's only till the medication lasts right? At least I hope so...

Alone

2012-01-18T10:50:00.002+13:00

For the past few weeks I feel like I've literally been absolutely alone. Through everything. Even though Tez is here it seems as though even she doesn't wanna talk to me anymore. She came into my room last night for a few minutes but left again. And I didn't even have the energy to ask her where she was going or to come back. I feel like, at the moment I just want to be alone. No one can understand what I'm going through atm. I mean, I feel so bad for my mom and dad coz they really want to help but there's nothing they can do and they just sit there with sad eyes looking worried at me.
Tbh, crohns really wouldn't be all that bad if it wasn't for the pain. The pain is unbearable. It radiates down to my feet. I basically whimper and rock back and forth because there is literally nothing else I can do. I'm to scared to go anywhere incase it comes. Because it does just come out of nowhere.

On a slightly different topic though, yesterday I warmed my beanie to put on my stomach because of the pain and the smell reminded me of like, 2 years ago when I first got diagnosed and how happy I was. And makes me think in contrast to how not happy I am now. I really wish I knew how to be happy again. There's not even any guy that I want to be with. I just wanna be alone.
Also, today is finally the summer day I've been searching for. And I have no feeling of wanting to get out and go to the beach. I just don't wanna go anywhere. Maybe if I had a pool. But I don't.

Don't take me seriously.

2012-01-16T23:52:00.001+13:00

A couple of weeks ago when I said I'd rather have my crohns back I was totally joking. But my immune system takes me too seriously. I feel like I literally haven't left the house or seen anyone I'd like to for a month. I feel like all I've done is watch movies and cry in bed or watch TV and sleep on the couch. That has literally been my life. And I totally don't count work because I was barely there for any of the shifts.
And I'm just so fucking tired all the time.
I just want it to go away.

Potential life choices

2012-01-10T21:02:00.000+13:00

So, I've kinda briefly decided what I might like to do with my life once I leave university at the end of the year. It's definitely not what I'd thought about doing to begin with but it's always kinda been an idea that's been floating around my mind since I was actually very young. Be a writer.
As a kid I read a shitload of books. I was the kid you'd find carrying a book around everywhere I went and I always wanted to be a writer, and author but as I grew older I started living less in the pages of my books and more in reality and that wanting to be an author just dwindled to a random idea. It was always my last resort, back up career I guess. Because I've always been good at creative writing and it was easy. It didn't require any special training mostly because reading and writing pieces are for the most part subjective.
However, just recently the idea started becoming more appealing to me. But I don't want to be an author. I want to be a columnist, or a travel writer more specifically. It combines my love for going to interesting places and my love for writing and I thought it would be an AWESOME career to have. All I do is travel the world, experiencing the cultures and writing about it for like, a magazine or something. So, if all things fail/go according to plan that's what I'd like to do I think.

Yet another rant

2012-01-09T22:24:00.001+13:00

This is yet another rant about how I feel like I'm not going anywhere in life. Mom just got all excited coz she saw Conor on TV. And I think that's fucking awesome! But why am I unable to do all these crazy things?! I feel like I'm just stuck here going through the motions. All these things I want to do, but I have no clue where to start or what the heck I'm going to do with my degree when I'm done with it. I mean there's Sammy who's doing event management and she's going places and Devon with her photography and I could do all of these things but I don't know how or where to start. Preferably I'd rather get into music and sing and be on stage. BUT HOW DO I DO THAT!!!! I need to find something meaningful to do with my life!

Everything's got me thinking

2012-01-09T10:56:00.002+13:00

What does it take to make someone feel mature? Because for the past 3 or so years I still feel like I'm 17. And I have no idea what I have to do to make me finally feel like I'm 20. Maybe it's the people I hang with? But aside from my sister and Kayla and the people I hang with on rare occasions all my friends are my own age. So why don't I feel like I'm 20? I'm in my 3rd Year of Uni this year, what will take to feel like I'm the age I am? Do I need to get my licence, and move out of home to finally feel my age? I have a job. And I generally do what I want these days but I still feel like I'm 17. Do I need a boyfriend to feel mature? Because even all these children I work with seem more mature than I am. I don't know how to feel, act or dress like I'm a 20 year old. And I feel like I really need to do something drastic so that I myself can finally believe that I'm mature enough but I have no idea what that is. I mean, the other day I was bored, so I sat in bed and coloured in. What 20year old does that? I watch cartoons and laugh at their ridiculous jokes. I don't know, maybe, some will say it's good to be this young at heart. But it just makes me feel like I'm still a child.

Date with the night

2012-01-07T11:46:00.000+13:00

I had such a lovely night last night. It was an entire 24hour date with my wife, with Alex joining. We stayed at his flat in Remuera and even though town was quite dead it was still a wonderful night. We were in Code pretty much the entire night and had a wicked time dancing and it was just really fun. And got to spend the entire time with Wifey ♥
Wife, Alex and I did a 3 way water bending on the dance floor. It was legit the most fun I've ever had dancing. I love town, and wife, and Alex. It was a successful night.

One Thing

2012-01-06T01:57:00.000+13:00

Had the most amazing night tonight. With some amazing people. Matai, Vicky, Bex and Tez. It was our first 'official' group date. We met in Taka which is roughly half way between where we both live and we went up to Mt Victoria which was absolutely STUNNING up there at night. Then we drove all the way to the Museum just to drive down this scary road and then we drove up to the coast and took a walk along Stanmore Bay beach. It was so lovely to hang with new people who are actually lovely. I keep forgetting I'm older than everyone. I was like, "I'm 21 in 9 months" and everyone was like WOAH! I need to get my act together. BUT anyhow, tonight was lovely all the same.

Today I was told I have 'unique' features

2012-01-04T18:11:00.000+13:00

I don’t know what that means. I always thought I looked pretty normal.

But then again, that can happen when you have half German, half South African blood in you and your Grandparents parents are Scottish, French, German and African Bushman. And lets not forget those weird family ties to the Arabs in the Middle East.
I guess yeah, that would explain how my features are unique.

I was once told I have exotic features - He meant I looked like I was from Egypt or Persia…

My Destined Beauty

2012-01-03T23:46:00.001+13:00

My friend told me not to long ago that the right guy is the one who you say no to and yet they still stick around.
Please, I would really like it if you stuck around. I don't know if I like you in that way, but I do know I love you and you make me feel like I'm worth something to some one. So even if I say no, stick around okay? I might not show it, but I need you...

Shitty Immune System 101

2012-01-03T23:31:00.003+13:00

This blog should be titled "Life of a Sickly Child" because I swear I'm sick every goddamn 2 days. It's driving me insane. Right now I'm laying in my bed, slightly over heating due to the warmed up beanie bag currently residing on my stomach and feeling stuffy and close to throwing up because I can't breath through my nose, and my throat hurts and I've taken multiple forms of medication and nothing is working. And I bet this is because I stayed the night at Tilly's the other night and she has cats. And rearranged my room last night and my immune system is afraid of dust. I swear I'm forever sick. There's never a point in my life where I'm not. If it's not a cold then I have crohns and between you and me, I'd rather have crohns because then at least I could breathe and my throat wasn't sore. Granted I couldn't eat anything at all but at least I was losing weight!
And to top it all off I have work tomorrow night which will probably account for me being more sick really soon. Awesome.
Illness tally:
- Eczema
- Asthma
- Hay fever
- Nut allergies
- Allergic to dogs and cats
- Poly cystic Ovarian Syndrome
- Crohns Disease
For once I just wish I knew what it would be like to be a healthy person who didn't know what it was like to be sick. Just once.

Re-arrangement

2012-01-03T01:20:00.001+13:00

Sometimes, I enjoy re-arranging my room. It feels so liberating you know? I also end up cleaning out all the things I don't need and throwing things away that I no longer use. Sometimes I wish it was something that I could also do with my life. Wish I knew how.

2012

2012-01-02T00:38:00.001+13:00

2012 countdown came and went and I didn't even notice. That's how drunk I was last night. And how much I was dancing last night. I just happened to look at the clock and it was midnight and I was like OH. Happy New Years guise! It was a good night all in all. Spent it with Tilly, Simon, Frankie, Lana, Kayla, Jayne, Phill, Tanya and Jase and their kids and Connor and his friends. It was actually a lovely night all things considering. Didn't get my new years hook up, still wish I'd gone to town but I've got nothing to complain about so far so lets hope this year goes just as well, if not better than last year.

I need

2011-12-30T23:29:00.001+13:00

I went shopping today, and spent over $300 which is insane all things considering.
Then, this evening, I also happened to watch the Visa Comedy Gala and this comedian was talking about this little kid who told her father that she needed a fluffy (a baby cappacino).
And, this got me thinking, as things usually do about all the things we say we need. I went shopping today and spend $300 on a lot of things that I didn't really need. I didn't need those new pair of shoes, or that skirt, or those hair clips. But I bought them because I liked them on impulse and decided I wanted them. There a lot of things I 'need' more, like, a chest of draws or an external hard drive. But even so, these are material things. We will not die if we do not have these things. These are not things we need.
I find myself hearing this on a day to day basis. We need a bigger house. I need a new car. I need those shoes. But, we really don't need any of those. We WANT we DESIRE. Human beings these days have become so dependant on their comfortable little lives, in their comfy little homes and electricity that we forget that there are things out there that we need more than stuff, than things. Idk, sometimes it only takes a little to get me wound up, but sometimes I really dislike what humanity was made to become. Sometimes I wish we could just go back to the tribal times. The Nomads, where we believed in nature, and only used what we really needed instead of mass production for mass consumption.

Attention Attention

2011-12-29T22:34:00.001+13:00

So... It seems like I'm getting the attention I want, but from the wrong sort of men, i.e. The old creepy kind at work. Like, there's these 2 regulars, Gordon and Stu. Gordon is like... 60's old. He doesn't say much, but he watches you ALL THE TIME. And He says Hi now and then. Stu is like, Dad kinda old. And he's a real creep. Like the thinks he's young enough and he also thinks he's attractive. And tonight he was just sitting at the bar, being drunk, and apparently, talking to David about me. And He was all "If she's been here for so long, how come I've never noticed her before? Surely someone's snatched that up already" I'm all like GAG. David's hilarious though, He was all, Cassie's special. Rather than catch a hundred average fish she'd rather search around for 1 or 2 really good ones. I'm like, I couldn't have explained it better myself.

On another note though, I'm really dreading New Years this year. I'm sure I'll have fun once I'm there but I just really want to have someone to kiss at midnight. And someone to have a summer fling with. I've never had one of those. *sigh* I'd just really appreciate it if my life was a bit more like a lot of the other 'teens' out there. I can't really term myself as one anymore, but still. Can I just find someone already?...

Extended family

2011-12-28T09:56:00.000+13:00

So, moving to NZ has meant that I've had to leave the majority of my family behind. Which a lot of people think might not be a big deal, but when you have as big a family as I do you tend to feel naked when all you have over this end is Your dad's sister, her husband and 2 kids. And don't get me wrong, I love them, family is family. But it really isn't enough. So I've adopted other families into my family circle. The one's I've mentioned in my previous post. Anyway, last night we had another one of our Yr13 English class catch ups. And I'm pretty sure our year is the only year that still keeps in contact with their teachers. We have these little dinners every few months and they're really amazing because it's crazy to think that all these people who really don't have that much in common can sit around a dinner table for literally hours and talk and laugh and get along. And I just love it, and there's Nana Culli, in the middle of it all being amazing as always. And it got me thinking of how much of an extended family we are, and it all just started from being in an English class with these people. People who I consider family and friends and I always seem to have a good time with. I mean, even Nana who to begin with was Ms Culliford. And I can't imagine calling her anything else but Nana these days. She became such a big part of my life and I'm so grateful that I know her in the way I do now. I feel like she's the mother hen and we're all her children. And it's so awesome to think even after so many years of not being in high school we all still stick together even if it is just maybe once every 6 months.

Conscious Thought

2011-12-27T00:16:00.000+13:00

A lot of the time, I like to pretend that my loneliness is just something I make up to feel sorry for myself because no one else will. Or, the majority of the time, I like to pretend that it doesn't exist and that I have no inkling of what loneliness is, or what it feels like. But when I actually have time to think, or rather, to sit on the internet mindlessly and just scroll through a lot of things I don't care about, I think of how I'd rather be somewhere else, with someone. It really doesn't matter who it is. Although, maybe it does. It's gotten to the point where I can be in a room full of my friends and still feel like the loneliest person ever. And maybe I'm not the only feeling this way, but it sure seems so. I'm not the type of person who will resort to drinking by myself to drown my sorrows because for one thing, that's just sad, and for another, it really wouldn't accomplish anything. But I'd just like to know what it feels like to actually be with someone. And not feel lonely for once.

Daniel said something to me today, "That's because you're too shy around boys... I don't mean shy in that sense, but shy around them in a relationship sense". And tbh, I really have no idea what he was talking about or what he meant. I mean, well, maybe I'm not shy. Maybe I'm just scared. I've always run away. Well, mainly always. Or, I'm always too afraid to make the first move because I'm so scared of being rejected or messing up a friendship that I love. I'm so scared to lose something again that means so much to me. But I don't know how to be any different. I mean, Idk. Maybe this has got nothing to do with it, but Danielle, she's gorgeous and gets ALL the attention when we're out but she never wants it, she makes fun of it. But here I am, CRAVING attention but when I get it, I act like I get too much of it and act like a snobby bitch. I'm too cautious about everything. I over think things. Danielle just does them. And so many guys have a crush on her and I think it's because of that. They can't explain what it is, but I think it's because she just goes with everything, and I know from experience/being with her that it doesn't always get her into the best of situations but she lives. Maybe I should just start being more open to things. Be more spontaneous, just do things on the spur of the moment and not be so worried about doing things that aren't right or things that could be potentially problematic and just do them...

New Year, Fresh Start.

2011-12-26T20:09:00.000+13:00

2011 Is almost over. And I'm not going to be one of those people who go "2011 was a pretty shit year, lets hope 2012 will be better" Because, as a matter of fact this year has not been shit at all. Despite all my WAH posts about boys and being single, this year has actually been really good to me. Uni's going great, I have the most AMAZING friends in all the world, I have a job and a roof over my head and clothes to wear and a family that loves me unconditionally. Some people don't have any of these things. And I don't know, maybe it's because it's Christmas time and I'm being all appreciative about stuff but really, I think we, as human being are not only selfish, but we tend to feel sorry for ourselves a lot, especially the ones who have everything. I mean, yes, these earth quakes in Christchurch were horrible, and I feel so unbelievably awful for the people who were affected but really, think of all the ones who don't have a roof over their head at all times of the year, of all the homeless, of all the sick who literally are unable to have all the nice things that we have. I don't know. I'm going to try to complain less, about everything. I'm going to stop complaining about the weather, and about the fact that "We have no food in the house" when we clearly do or that I'm bored or that I don't know what to wear because I don't have enough clothes. We've become so material driven, we always need 'things' even things we don't need and it sickens me. I think, living in NZ it's a lot easier to forget that there's people out there who live in poverty every day. Because here, it's like a novelty to see one homeless person. I think back home I was so much more aware of the fact that poverty was real and that it was an issue and it always amazed me how little they had but how happy they were and how they made do with what they had. They were always grateful to have a roof over their heads, whether it were a cardboard box or whether it was some structure they built. So, I'm going to stop complaining. Or try to at least.

Secondly, I've been watching Awkward all day and Jenna writes in her little online diary all the time and I've always wanted to do that. She also seems like she's a lot me eloquent than I am. This is probably wildly due to the fact that she's not actually a real life person and that she had some incredibly good script writer, writing everything she has to write/say. But sometimes I wish I could write that well. So many people have said, if you read a lot and write a lot you will become better when it comes to writing. But I do both. And I feel like I still talk/write like I'm an 8 year old. Also, I don't think my life is nearly as exciting as hers turns out to be. But I wish I had 2 guys fighting over me. Or then again, maybe I don't.

Anyway, Christmas has come and gone. It doesn't actually feel the same with such little family. Because it just feels like another day at the Pryce's. I really miss home, especially around about this time of the year. Getting all these phone calls, and all the family is getting together and we're just like, yup, we're on the other side of the world. Cool guys. But yeah, it's not really about the presents anymore. I mean, I got Harry Potter Box Set, A bottle of Wine and perfume which is AWESOME but I'd so much rather have more family over or even just the little amount of family friends that we have here. Because, Idk, I keep thinking about when I have a family and the family friends that I'll invite over and have massive family gatherings with my extended family. It'll be the Smuts', the Babbages, the Wittens, the Sharpes and Brettenneys. I actually can't wait till I'm married with kids and a family of my own. Kinda excited to actually grow up.

Silly old me

2011-12-24T00:18:00.001+13:00

I don't know what it is. Maybe it's just me, getting my hopes up as usual. But I haven't been this happy about nothing in a very long time. I just realised I've been sitting downstairs watching music videos and smiling because you make me happy. So unbelievably happy. We were crazy about each other once. And I really don't think we ever stopped being crazy about each other. We were just sensible about it. But OMG. I adore you. Maybe it's only because I haven't seen you in so long that when I do I go a bit insane. But I really do adore you. I want to be around you every second of every day. I wanna wake up to you every day. And fall sleep next to you every night. And make you breakfast and bring you coffee in the mornings. Just. I can't even explain it. I just wanna be with you.You're perfect.

Whiney Teenage Angst Rant.

2011-12-23T01:42:00.001+13:00

I'm actually being pathetic now. I can admit this because I KNOW I'm being pathetic. But I can't help it! I want you to be mine SO BAD and I get so annoyed and jealous because you paid so much more attention to her last night. And I get that she's fucking beautiful. I know this. But fuck. You're supposed to be mine... And then you did the same today with her. And I really have NO reason to be jealous at all, except that I do. Because you always seem to flirt with her more than you do with me. And I actually hate it because that's just not how the rules work. You're not supposed to be friends with her if you're friends with me. It just doesn't work that way. It's the unwritten girl code. No. Just no.
Also... This girl thing of yours. I hate that you're feeling this way. I really do but I want you to get over it, find your rebound girl for a while and then realize that you actually love me. Because I'm not too keen on being your rebound, just quietly. I love you too much for that to happen. Idk. Idk. You're brilliant and I just think we'd actually be perfect together. Granted we hung out more often.

The things you learn in time.

2011-12-19T13:24:00.000+13:00

Things are never as bad as they seem at the time that they happen
Nothing lasts forever
Nothing is ever really the end of the world
Things always get better eventually
You learn things and grow from them
Things and people change but that doesn't mean you have to stop loving them

These are just a few things I've come to learn or rather, to realize lately. And I don't know, maybe it's due to getting older, or maybe it's just because I've decided to stop feeling sorry for myself but I think I'm becoming happier. I'm not getting so worked up about the little things.
Also, I'm finally finding that I can move on in my life. I don't know when I realised it, but I'm finally finally over Bryn. For good now. It's gotten to the point where I know that we are over and I'm okay with that but I also know that we will always be friends no matter what happens in our lives. And, I really love that thought. And, as much as I detest being single with every fibre in my being I'm actually learning to love it and be okay with it. If it's not my time to be with someone, then it's not my time. I'm okay with that.

At the moment, I'm just living every day as it comes and enjoying the little things. Maybe it's just because it's getting close to Christmas but that's just how I feel these days. Friends and Family are all that matter at the moment and thing are going quite great to be completely honest.
I mean, I'm living aren't I?

Art Of War

2011-12-15T01:18:00.001+13:00

I am a horrible person. I always do this. Make up stupid scenarios in my head. And hope they come true, but when they do I feel horrible coz they always end up hurting the person I love the most.
I'm so so unbelievably sorry this had to happen to you. For your sake, I hope it works out. We're never gonna work anyway right?
You don't deserve to feel this way. You're unbelievably beautiful, inside and out. Your an angel. Perfection. I wish I could be the one to make you forget. To take all the pain away. But I don't want to be your rebound. It's ridiculous the amount of times in this week I've actually dreamt about how perfect we'd be, but when I think about, and I do often, I'd rather stay the way we are because I'd hate so much for things to become awkward. You mean more to me than pretty much anyone I know. And I barely see you as it is. I'd hate to lose you completely.

In all honesty though, I know we joke about this a lot, but I really do hope I end up with you one day. For what it's worth.

2011-12-09T13:42:00.001+13:00

Idek why I bother. I don't understand how I can go from being absolutely so happy one day and wake up the next morning and feel horrible all because of you. It's a nice day. I wanted to something fun. But now all I want to do is curl up into a ball and sleep till next week Thursday. I hate feeling like this. Having to walk around with a smile plastered on my face so no one knows how unhappy I am. My heart hurts and I'm really trying not to cry today. I can't do this anymore.

You made your bed, I just hope for your sake, that you've cleaned the sheets

2011-12-07T23:06:00.001+13:00

I'm usually the type of person to forgive and forget. But lately, especially after everything that's happened to me, and all these ridic trust issues that I suddenly have, and the faith I've lost in boys Idk anymore. It's just you make me so angry. Sometimes I feel like you're doing it on purpose just to piss me off and get a reaction out of me. And I don't want to give in and trust you because I literally will not be able to handle it if you continue to treat me the way you do... I'm sick of you hurting me. You of all people are not allowed to hurt me. And I act like it doesn't matter. But it does. I don't mean to hurt you, or to make you feel sad but I just want you to feel what it's like for once when the person that's supposed to love you unconditionally treats you like you're just some clingy bitch.
I love you regardless. But I'm not gonna say so until you mean in, and until you stop acting like what other people think matters.

Lights. Camera. ACTION!

2011-12-07T11:13:00.001+13:00

My life is just like a ridiculous Hollywood teen movie, I swear.
So like... There's this guy I've known for a while now. And If we were in a ridiculous teen movie He'd be the most popular, most attractive guy in school and I'd be the best friend.
And we'd only be best friends because we've been friends since we were kids and He'd stick up for me when he's friends are all being dicks.

And it's ridiculous because We love each other, but no more than just friends. There was this point where we both like liked each other but because we lived too far away it just didn't happen. And we never saw each other and blah blah blah but I got over that and I was okay with that and I found others but even after ALL this time, we're still so close and whenever I see him my heart beats fast and slower and a lot harder and I can't stop smiling and I just wanna be around him forever. Like I can seriously marry this guy. And be super happy with him forever because he's AMAZING. But I'm too scared to say anything or do anything because I'm too scared for him to say no and to make this super awkward between us because that would suck. He's the most amazing, nicest guy I've ever known. And it's so hard not to love him but he has like, a new gf all the time and I have the feeling he doesn't still love me the way he used to... I just don't know what to do about it. URGH.

Ow Ow Fuckity Ow

2011-12-06T14:15:00.001+13:00

Being a girl is fucking awesome, 3/4 weeks in a month. Seriously. The pain I'm in right now. And it's just comes and goes as it pleases. So frustrating. I'm hoping it'll be gone by the end of the day. So awkward trying to explain to Alex why I'm holding my stomach like I'm preggers.

In other totally unrelated news, Finally got a hold of Joel and if he doesn't come stay this Thursday (which I hope he does), then I'll see him next Thursday :)
I just know there's gonna be this whole drama with Dad and where Joel is going to sleep. Because I now have a queen size bed and it was understandable before when I had a single bed that Joel slept downstairs in the spare bed but now that I have enough space.... But Dad'll be all HE'S NOT SLEEPING IN THE SAME BED AS YOU! Idek what I'm gonna have to say to try and convince him it's all gonna be okay...
URGH. Sometimes living with your parents can be such a drag...

AJBD

2011-12-05T00:31:00.001+13:00

1. You are amazing. You're like a breath of fresh air and I'm hoping we can hang out more. You're adorable and lovely and I'm hoping I don't become a creep and push you away like I have every other guy I know.

2. I love how I barely see you as it is but you still take the time out of your life to make the effort to see me. You're amazing and I love you. I want you to know how much I appreciate having you in my life. You make me feel like I'm worth something.

3. I adore you with all my heart and soul and I miss you more and more every day. I wish I saw you more often. My soul mate. You complete me ♥

4. I simultaneously hate and love when I see you because I'm so happy that you're still a part of my life but I hate the way I feel after seeing you. It's like this love sick pining for you. There's a hole in my heart that I need you to fill. But also, wish I didn't need you so much.

5. I don't even know how to feel about you anymore. You mean everything to me and you treat me like I'm nothing. The amount of times I've stuck up for you, and been there for you. You've changed and I don't like it. Your the last guy I though I'd ever cry over.

I am nothing

2011-12-02T00:12:00.001+13:00

I mean nothing to anyone that I've ever loved.
It's my fault. I push people away. And then expect them to still love me.
I tell people how they make me feel and think they'll still care.
But they don't. Because I'm worthless. I'm never good enough for them. I'm not worth anything to them.
I'm more trouble than I'm worth.

How to please an annoying 5 year old? Let them walk all over you, Literally.

2011-11-26T23:22:00.001+13:00

So, as much as I adore my 5 year old cousin, the vast majority of the time, she makes me want to throw her out the window. Especially recently. Every single time it's like, "Cassie, can you play with me?" And I'm like... "Kristen, I just got done working for 8 hours. I just want to lay down and sleep. Can I not just sleep?" And she literally tires everything in the book to make me do what she wants:
"Well, I'm not your friend anymore"
"Well this is my room"
"Well this is my house"
And my personal favourite, "I'll tell on you."
And I'm like... I'm 20. 20year olds don't play. Especially when they're tired.
So... anyway, today while laying half asleep on her bed, her nagging me to play some ridiculous game, she decided that standing on my back would be a fun game to play. And I'm sure for her it was. So for the next hour she spent the time standing/walking on my back and singing dirty (her version of) Christmas carols whilst I got a wonderful back massage out of it. Win Win situation. Try that the next time you can't get a 5year old off your back... no pun intended.

Secondly, I had a lovely night out with Jess, Chloe and Jaz and the rest of that gang. It was a wicked night in town. And Thursday, Jaz and I ended up spending pretty much all day together just talking about the stupid boys in our lives and I've started to notice that I keep forgetting all the bad things they've ever done to me. And I play it off as never being as bad as they were. But when I talk about it I realize it still affects me and I'm like, WTF am I forgiving them for? You know? When I think about all the times I've been fucked over, they really don't deserve my forgiveness. Thus, I have decided that I need to have D&M's more often so I can remind myself of why I am still single, and how that's a good thing.

Anyway, I have work tomorrow morning, yet again. So goodnight for now.

I hate you for making me love you so much.

2011-11-19T01:27:00.001+13:00

URGH! I really fucking hate you right now. And I know it's my fault. Because I act like I don't give a fuck when you mention other girls. I act like it doesn't hurt when you flirt with everyone. And I go around pretending like I don't want you. And I hate everyone for putting the idea in my head in the first place. Because then I fucking realized that I do love you. A lot more than I let on. And FUCK. Urgh. WHY.... fuck. You're the only one that's always there. Why do you say shit like this... I fucking.... fuck. It makes me so angry. Because you'll never take me seriously if I tell you. And I'm scared because you'd just fucking reject me anyway... I wouldn't even be good enough for you because now it's too late and I had my chance and I missed it. fuck. fuckity fuck fuck. I hate when you say shit... because you're always right. And it's like you can read my mind because it's always true...

Just why now. Why her... why'd you have to say that. It literally ripped my heart just then. And now all I wanna do is cry and punch you because why the fuck... urgh.

WTF

2011-11-12T20:17:00.001+13:00

Do you even understand how hard it was/is for me to say no to you this time. Every part of me is screaming at me WTF ARE YOU DOING!? Because every part of me wants to be with you, be against you forever. But this was just something I had to do for myself because I need to figure out what I want and what I need to do in life. It hurts to be away from you and it hurts when you don't talk to me. And Idek wtf I did. And OMG. I'm sorry but it just has to be this way for now. But I still miss you. I need to see you. My heart screams your name everyfuckingday and I don't know what to do about it because if I'm not busy or asleep I just wanna crawl into a ball and not move till you come and make it better....

Breathe In, Breathe Out

2011-11-09T00:10:00.001+13:00

I cannot wait until this week is over. I know I need to study for Fridays exam if I even want a glimpse at passing. But really, I just want it to be Friday already so I can get this week over and done with and not have to worry about anything. Summer is coming and I just wanna be out in the sun, being young for as long as I can. Next week I'm hanging out with Devon. Idk why we haven't done this before. Because we get along so well it's ridiculous. She was just one of those people I met randomly and instantly clicked with and she's amazing, and beautiful and we can talk for hours about boys and life and never run out of anything to say. So Tuesday we're hanging out and I'm modelling for her. Which I'm so grateful to be doing. I've always wanted someone to come up to me and ask me to model for them, but I never thought I was good enough... I don't think Devon knows how much this actually means to me, for me to be doing this.
And then also, Jarrod and I have planned to have dinner Tuesday night which I'm looking forward to. It's not like a date date, or at least, I don't plan it to be. It's just two friends having a catch up dinner. Because, I really do miss him quite a bit. It strange to think that I've only really seen him a few times, yet he holds so much love in my heart.

Devon sent me a message to day that was like, "I still can't believe that you're single". It actually made my night. That someone can't fathom the idea. Atm, I'm getting used to the idea. On the weekend Bex, Kyle and I had a chat to Clayton to help him clear his head and the things Bex was saying were so helpful to me as well. Before I can invest in a relationship, I need to invest in myself first. I need to find myself, find what I want, what I need and where I want to be in life before I dive head and heart first into a relationship that might not work. Bex was saying that she hears all these people continually saying that "Relationships are hard work" and she was saying how Her and Kyle's relationship has never been hard work. It's never tiring. And the only problems they have are external from others. And if you think about it that's true. If you both know yourselves and know what you want, there shouldn't be any reason for the relationship to be difficult. The only problems to face would be the external problems and that should be easily faced together. I am alright with being single, I truly am. And I know most of the time I'm having a cry about not having a boyfriend and being single, but I think honestly, I just miss that feeling. And even then, that relationship was tiring for me because we weren't on the same level. I knew what I wanted but he didn't. And I was putting in all this effort to make a relationship work that was doomed in the first place. So, I'm not rushing into anything anytime soon. I'm just going to take every day as it comes. Breath in, breath out and live.

Such a wanker

2011-11-08T11:45:00.002+13:00

Whatever... Keep going around and getting yourself fucked. You're not going to live long. And in the end everyone who thought cared about you will grow up an realize that they're over that shit. And you won't be. And there you'll be still trying to live in the past and drown all your fucking sorrows in alcohol. It's not going to work. And when you have no one I'm the one you'll end up running to again and again and again...
Also, Fuck you. You are such a wanker. You'll go to Red Beach for a party but you can't take the extra 15 mins to come see me. You're a dick. I'm so fucking angry with you right now.

99 Problems, but a bitch ain't one

2011-10-30T22:23:00.002+13:00

I don't want to fight with you. I hate fighting with you. You're the last person I want to fight with. Ever. Because you're always there to make me feel better when I have a fight with someone else. Who am I supposed to go to when I'm sad about fighting with you?
It's just... sometimes. Idk. I end up feeling like shit. I'm sure you don't do it purposefully but still. You make me feel like shit when you treat me like I'm just some other 'clingy bitch' when you're with your boys. It hurts.

On another note. I talked to Bryn about just being friends. And now I'm worried he'll just forget about me... That seems to be the way things are going atm.

Also... Being single is actually not getting anymore exciting, contrary to popular belief.

Really hating life right now.
Although, I had a lovely lunch with Jane and Jared today. It was a good catch up talking about the good ol' days. Wish I could go back. Things were better then.

I might as well be a Japanese exchange student

2011-10-04T23:41:00.001+13:00

coz people wanna know me, right when I show up...

Apparently, having a good cry every once in a while is good for you. I don't find so. It makes your eyes all puffy, and your nose runs and you can't breathe because you're crying so hard. It's even worse in the shower, which is where I do most my thinking and crying, evidently.
Leaving me alone to think never ends well. I thought I was okay with the inevitability of my loneliness. Turns out, I'm not so okay with it.
I thought you know, sure my two best friends have each other now. I'm totally okay with that, I have enough close friends if I need to talk, or hang. But, generally, as things go in my life, many of them leave, or find someone else after I start becoming less shiny, less of a 'new' friend. And in the end, all my friends who I consider my close friends have other closer friends of their own. And I'm always the last resort.

Since forever I've always been the last resort. That's why I try to put everyone first. To let everyone know they're loved, and that they're worth something, because I know what it feels like to be left out. It's funny, you think that since someone is your world, instantly you become someones world, but that's not the case, they often have someone else who is their world. Everyone who I consider my close friend already has someone else. I mean like I said, even my two best friends have each other now. And I'm starting to really hate hanging out with them because I always feel like I'm a 3rd wheel. The thing is, they were each my best friend separately, and I thought it would be better them being together, but it's not. And all I wanna do it tell them to just, keep each other and I'll go find someone else. It's getting to that point. Because I can never have one without the other anymore. And I just miss having a best friend. Someone I can call at 3am and just talk about nothing and who won't get angry at me for waking them up. Someone I'm not scared to have a fight with because I know 5mins later we'll be back to being best friends again. Someone who will listen to me and tell me I'm being a dick. And someone who I can sit in silence with because it's so comfortable.
I used to have that. But people change.

I wish something would go right for once.

2011-10-03T23:27:00.001+13:00

I have this problem with my brain. Where when I need to stress about assignements and exams I can't. Or well, at least I do stress that they are coming up but when I actually sit down to do them I physically can't concentrate hard enough to get anything done before say... 3am the night before. And I don't know why or how to change that. I try. BELIEVE ME. But here I am. Not sleeping. And Not doing anymore of my Written Speech or reading anything for Sexual/Textual which I tried to do today. But naturally failed.
I don't know why this is so hard for me.
Maybe I'm in holiday mode already.
So... things that need doing this week:

do more of my written speech plan tomorrow (due Wednesday)
Go to a meeting with my Tragedy Production group to see what the other girls have come up with.
Probz miss my speaking lecture but go to the tutorial
get home and finish as much of the speech as possible.
Wednesday finish the rest of the speech. And hand it in
Do the rest of my Sexual/Textual readings and possibly start on the assignment
go to work.
Thursday Go to Tragedy class
Friday Go to Sex/Tex class then hopefully get a camera so Mais and I can start filming. Fucking Lauren better be there.

God. I wish everything would just go away. I just wanna wake up on a nice sunny beach in like, Hawaii or somewhere with nothing to worry about and attractive company. Is that too hard to ask?

Nothing but a story

2011-09-28T00:07:00.001+13:00

The thing about their relationship was that it started off as if they were old lovers, who were now content to be together in comfortable companionship. It was never just friends. The hugs were always too long, the touches too lingering and the glances, too passionate, seemed to hold too much history between them. People noticed I'm sure. But no one made comment.

And then almost as instantly it went backwards. It became shy smiles, and tight hugs, holding hands and the feeling of having a secret. Or at least that was all anyone ever saw. No one saw them sharing a one seater couch together. No one saw the kissing in the kitchen or the hours and days they spent together in bed. A lot of which did not involve talking. But then again, no one saw the laying in each others arms. Her tracing patterns on his chest, Him looking at her wondering how he'd ever managed to get something so beautiful. She loved sitting out in the sun, looking at the way the sun danced in his eyes. Or going for a walk, their fingers intertwined. She didn't much like leaving. But she loved the way he'd whimper and make sad faces in protest. How he'd pull her towards him just one more time and kiss her longingly. His taste lingered for a long time. No one ever saw the way she smiled, so radiantly, like a light finally set free from the inside. The way she'd skip down the road. No one knew the way she felt, like running and jumping and skipping and doing cartwheels. And singing at the top of her voice because she'd never been that happy.

No one saw the way he would walk away smiling and wishing he didn't have to hurt her the way he knew he inevitably would. He would keep telling himself. Just one more week. Just one more day. Just one more kiss. But his problem was he loved her. He just didn't know it yet. Before to long though, as relationships go, things seemed to get old. Other people became more interesting and the old lovers drifted apart, promising to stay friends. As we all know how well that goes.

They don't see each other for a while. Needless to say when they see each other next at a party of a mutual friend, they envelope each other in a long embrace, as old friend would.

And when a few drinks start kicking in that's when she finds herself in his lap, due to lack of chairs, his hand being a distracting presence on her thigh. A few drinks more and he's asking her for a kiss. He's hesitant though, you can see it in his eyes. It's a question of approval. He's not so confident she will say yes, and he's scared to be rejected. He's not to sure how he'll take it if she says no. But she doesn't, she plants a soft kiss directly on his lips and leaves it at that. Both smile at the fond memories and she plants another on his head. Without knowing it she's already decided to take him back. If he would have her. And he would.

Everyone could use a good FUCK every once in a while. It's like verbal fucking punctuation.

2011-09-22T21:59:00.000+12:00

Okay, so. Sometimes, I really hate people.
I hate the way people talk about others behind their backs (and I am no saint to this either. I do it too. More often than I would like). I hate it when people talk about me behind my back. Whether it's mean or not, somehow the story always gets twisted all out of proportion.
Idk why it bothers me so much, it shouldn't. I understand that people read this blog. It is on the internet for all to see. And I understand this. I don't have a problem with this unless people decide not to keep what I've written to themselves. Let just say for arguments sake Tilly reads my blog. And then she goes to Simon (who doesn't read my blog) and says, OMG BLAH BLAH BLAH. Go read Cassie's blog. And then he reads it. This is not okay with me. I would rather Simon stumbled upon it my blog by accident that have Tilly tell him to read it. I just find it... Idk. Bitchy. I guess. Meh.
And I know a lot of people would protest to this saying, that You put it on the internet therefore the entire world can read it. Yes. That's fine, let the entire world read it. But let them find out about it by themselves. And let them keep the information that is in my blog to themselves. You know? Is it that hard... Urgh.

And now... On a totally different direction. I will move from loathing people, to loathing myself. Because I am selfish. I want to have my cake and eat it too. I don't know when I became like this. And I don't know what to do because it's become a habit. I want my cake for selfish reasons. I want it because I am lonely. I want it because cake is comforting. I want it because I am greedy. I want my cake all to myself. No one else is allowed to have my cake. But... when I really think about it, I don't really want, nor do I really need my cake. I just want it because it was mine first. I'm like one of those kids, who doesn't want to play with a toy until they see someone else playing with it you know?
And I feel horrible. Because when ever I feel like my cake might get stolen by someone else, I move the plate just a little bit closer to me. But it's unfair you know. Because the cake things "YES! I'm finally gonna get eaten". And then... The cake isn't actually eaten. Because I actually don't want to eat the cake. You know.

Metaphor part done. NEXT TOPIC. I almost died today. Legit. So, for those of you who don't know, I'm HIGHLY allergic to nuts. ALL nuts. Like eat a nut, go into anaphylactic shock kinda allergic. Like throat closes up, I can't breathe, gonna suffocate kind of allergic. So ANYWAY. Last night, I worked, and Mother made pasta. But, she used this oil from the Indomi noodle sachet's which, unbeknownst to her is peanut oil. I didn't know she used this. So today I got home, got dressed and went down to finish the pasta. I finished it and almost straight away my throat started itching. And my tongue started to swell. So I was like FUCK. Because I don't have one of those adrenaline shot pens. So I drunk a shiton of salt water and threw up. And in between throwing up I told mother she used peanut oil and she was like FUCK. FUCK. K. Okay, doctors. So she rushed me off to the doctors about 10mins down the road. Driving like a mad woman. On the wrong side of the road, tooting all the way there. And I got an injection at the top of my left butt cheek. And Everything's okay now obviously. But whatever they injected me with made me buzz out hard and I feel like I've been in a dream ever since. Also. throat got thrashed from throwing up all that salt :( BUT I'M ALIVE! So there's that positive.

Just came back from a fashion show that Tez was in. So kids are so talented. Crazy. But I'm tired so I'ma go shower and get into bed.

I'm not yours and you're not mine

2011-09-16T01:25:00.000+12:00

So, the thing is...
I'm sick of making an effort.
I've always made the effort when it comes to relationships. Or just. Any form of friendship with a guy. I'm always initiating the conversations. I'm always going over to their place to hang. I'm always going out of my way when they want to see me. No one ever makes the effort to come see me.
And I've realized that that's the only way I'm ever going to find the perfect guy. He'll be the one who goes out of his way. He'll be the one who makes the effort to come see me when he wants to or even when he doesn't. He'll be the one saying "Oh hey! Lets do something. Lets get coffee or lunch. I'll come pick you up"
He'll be the one who is over all the time. He'll be the one who makes the effort to show my parents that "hey, I'm a nice guy, and I'm interested in your daughter, and I'm here all the time because I'm not afraid to show you what and who I really am".
Because, I was talking to Gideon today just about being lonely and he was saying how over all the years he's known me he's noticed that I'm always the one making the effort. I'm putting all this energy in, only to get nothing out of it and then being tired and broken and feeling hopeless because everything I did was for nothing. And I'm sick of feeling that way.
If you want to see me. Come to me. If you want me to hang with you, come get me. I'll compensate. I just don't see why I have to be making all the effort just so that your life can be more comfortable.
Relationships are supposed to have some sacrifices right?

Shut Me Up

2011-09-14T00:24:00.000+12:00

I think, I think I need to stop telling people things. I think I need to stop telling people everything I think and feel. Because at the end of the day, I only really mean what I say when I say it. When I have time the think about it a few days later I rarely feel the way I said I felt.
I don't know what to do about it. Because I feel selfish.
It's like... in metaphorical terms:
Lets say I've been having this reoccurring dream right. Okay so in this dream I'm all by myself, lonely, walking down a path and I come to a fork in the road. And I always take the right path. Always. Idk why I do. I think it's because I feel like I know this path. And I know where it's got the potential to take me. I feel as if I'll be happy down this path. But the thing is. In this dream, no matter how many times I take this path I never get to the end. I get close to the end. But never all the way there. And I'm scared of what might happen if I reach the end.

But then also... I feel like I need to change my direction. I feel like it's time for me to stop taking the right path and take the left one instead. Because I've been down the left one, maybe once or twice in the dream but it seems like I never get to far and I never like where it takes me. But I think this time, it's time. I think I'm ready. But Idk. Right now I'm just stuck at this fork in the road, hoping I don't have to make a decision. Because I'm scared the one I'll choose will be the wrong one.

So. Okay. Yeah. I'm scared. And Idk what to do. I don't know what to do. And I'm not ready. Idk if I'm ready. I don't know what I want. I can't make up my mind and I feel like I'm being highly selfish and unfair. Because I'm lonely. And I miss things. And I know that I don't have to be lonely and I don't have to miss things. But then I feel like I'm not doing it for me in the end. I'm doing it because I don't want other's to be lonely. And I don't think that's right. I feel like I'm sticking around because people want me to. Although, sometimes I feel like I'm sticking around because I want to. But those days hardly come anymore.

But then, there's also that problem I have where, when I think of other people taking my place it makes me paranoid and angry. And I don't want that. It's my place. And I feel like no one else can be in that place. Yet, I don't feel good enough to even be in that place in the first instance. Idk.
I don't know if I'm even making sense anymore...
I just... I don't know what to do.

2011-09-11T15:31:00.001+12:00

Also...
People read my blog these days. Apparently?

2011-09-11T15:29:00.003+12:00

I can't stop wanting you.
And I don't know what to do.
Fuck.

Turning Tables

2011-09-09T10:27:00.002+12:00

So...
This sounds really. Idk. Cheesy.
But, my life is like Twilight. Legit. Not in the ridiculously awkward way but like, in the way that I have an Edward and a Jacob. And I don't know what to do.
E, I've always loved him, will always love him. I've always wanted him. And now. I think, he wants me. But idk if I'm strong enough to go back there. I want him too. So much. But I feel like then, I'll just be giving up on all the hard work I did and all the progress I made to not want him.
And also, disappointing people in the process.
And then J. He's always been there for me. He's always been there when guys have hurt me, or I'm feeling down and he's just as comfortable to me as E is. But J and I have been friends for so long Idk if I could ever go there. I love him to death too. But it's just, not as much as I love E.

My parents play a big part in this. And I'm scared that if I choose to go back to E that they'll be disappointed with me. And that there'll be some massive family fight or something idk. I don't want to change who E is. But I feel like... He's going to have to make and lot of effort if he wants me. And Idk if he will... Because I'm still scared that in the end I'll want him more than he'll want me. I still feel like, in the end, I won't be good enough for him to make the effort. And I can't believe it's been so long, and after getting over him and everything, I still feel like I have to become better for him to have me. I feel like I'll never be perfect enough. I'll never be good enough. And I wish I didn't. Because I still get jealous and paranoid when I see him with other girls or hear about him with other girls and I pretend like it doesn't bother me. But fuck it does. It bothers me a lot.
J hasn't even been a consideration. But if I do think about it... idk. I don't wanna think about it. Fuck.

Here's to old times, Shore Kids and kisses

2011-09-04T01:42:00.002+12:00

I don't even know where to begin. I just loved Friday night. All of Friday night. I didn't realise how much I missed everyone. My heart was just... Ah!
Like, from the moment I walk through the front door. The first person I see is Bryn. I love that boy so much. Like legit. LOVE HIM. to death. Still. OMG.
And fucking Strarn. My sunshine Strarn. The fucking light of my life. I didn't even know how much I missed him until Friday night. So much cuddles and forehead kisses ♥
And typical Jarrod. It's his party but I only see him for like 5mins. And he chooses to use those 5mins to be a dick to me.
Had lovely dancing times with Danielle ♥ and and Simon is like, the best BFFL in the whole entire world I swear. He was all I'm gonna fucking drive the coast kids back home and then come all the way back to get you.
And Blake, this random that I don't even know sat outside with me, in the cold, waiting for Simon to come get me.
Ah! I loved every bit of the night.
I wish Friday night could've lasted forever.

Mental Masturbation

2011-08-31T03:02:00.002+12:00

Just got back from hanging at Dafu's with Morgan and Arden :)
I enjoy these impromptu hangs. I feel bad for making Morgan drive me home at 3am but I need to sleep in my own bed. Especially when I haven't showered and will look disastrous in the morning.

We just chilled in Dan's room, Arden playing the guitar and singing...
I could quite seriously develop a crush on that boy. Not only does he sing and play the guitar but he's gorgeous. He dresses really well and smells really nice. He's really lovely and My mother likes him. He ticks all the boxes haha
Although, I'm not going to go there because I'm pretty sure him and Joanna are meant to be together forever so I wouldn't want to ruin that.
Blah. Idek anymore.
I had every intention to write a massive spiel about something but I'm tired and hungry so I might just go to sleep.

Almost cried tonight because I'm so lonely.
AWH! Just remembered, it was around the time I was almost going to cry. Coz Morgan was napping and I wanted to go home and I think Arden pretty much saw that I was close to tears and he made up this song that was like "Wake up Morgan. It's time to take Cassie home". My heart I swear.

I still sleep in your sweater sometimes.

2011-08-27T02:23:00.002+12:00

Sometimes, I still sleep in your sweater. Sometimes.
Although I miss the way it used to smell,
Of night-time, light rain and cigarettes.
Yet with that base scent that was you. Unique.
Sometimes, when I sleep in it I imagine it still smells like you.
I wrap myself in it tight and imagine

It's you there with me too.
Sometimes, when I'm having a bad day
I will take it out of my cupboard and give it a cuddle.
I imagine it might be you.
Sometimes, when I miss you, I will take it out,
And hold it close, and whisper ever so softly.
And pray that where ever you are
You hear me. Sometimes.
And sometimes I wish I didn't only
Have this sweater. To remind me of what was.
Not what is. Sometimes I wish it really were you.
Sometimes. I still sleep in your sweater,
Hoping one day I will wake up next to you.

Rolling in the Deep

2011-08-19T19:36:00.001+12:00

So... It's pretty obvious that you're ignoring me.
You won't answer my texts, you won't talk to me on FB. And you only talked to me when I was Anon and Tumblr and haven't said anything back to me when I told you it was me who was anon.
I know you've got a new GF... But that doesn't mean you need to stop talking to me completely.
I still miss you. I still wanna hang out. And I'm sorry if I hurt you... If that's why you're not talking to me...

Also, in a totally 'nother direction, I know I'll be happy with you. But then, that'll just prove that you were right from the very beginning. Which makes me really shallow. You were like, "just watch, as soon as I cut my hair you're going to fall for me". And it's not that I'm falling for you. You're still the same to me as you always have been but you're the only one who's paying attention at the moment, and I do love you, I do. But... Idk... I don't know if it'll even be a good idea because I don't know what I want and I'm so scared to hurt you.... Urgh.

2011-08-10T00:02:00.002+12:00

Living a student life is so hard.
Especially when you're straight out of high school studying full time.
You have to pay shitloads of money to get into uni in the first place. And then besides the going to uni, and lectures and doing the assignments and copious amounts of 'homework' you have to get a job so that you can pay off the loans you've taken out for your Uni payments. And try to keep that job so you can have spending money.
Today, I went to the bank to see if I could get out a personal loan. And they said no. Because I am a full time student and don't work enough. It just frustrates me to the point of tears. The government wants us to get a better education so that we will have the qualifications and the skills needed to be in the workforce one day, making money for the country, but while we're at Uni studying for them we are not entitled to certain things. It frustrates me that I try so hard to do things. I'm willing to work for things and it feels like I'm getting no where.
All I want to do is go home and see my family that I haven't seen in 8 years. But because my current jobs aren't giving me enough hours I can't get out the loan I need to buy the ticket. I already owe the bank one grand. What's another 3grand more.

Oh to be young and innocent

2011-08-05T23:17:00.002+12:00

To start this off with, the other day, (well, yesterday in fact) Kristen was over. And she was sitting next to me on the couch eating a muesli bar. She then proceeded to lay on her stomach and hang over the side of the couch while still eating the bar. So I told her to sit up properly because I didn't want her to choke on the bar and die. And she promptly turned around, looked at me with a quizzical expression and with a half laugh she said, "NO! You can't die when you're 5!"
I was somewhat taken a back by this, and wanted to instantly argue back that YES! you definitely can die when you're 5. But then I thought
1). there's no point trying to argue with a 5 year old. (they seem to think they know the secrets to life) and
2). She's so young and innocent and genuinely believes that you can't die that young. Why ruin it for her?
So anyway, this obviously got me thinking about how many of my friends have died this year and how even at this age, knowing that it's possible to die, how strange it is to think that that person doesn't exist in life anymore. It seems that when an old person dies we are sad but we expect it because they've lived such a long life and it's supposedly their time to go, but when a young person dies it's that much more sad because they still had their whole life ahead of them. And it's just so unfathomable to think that anyone under the age of 70 is capable of dying.

Anyway, tonight I came home from my friends 20th Birthday dinner. Firstly, when did it get to the point where we all stopped having house parties for our birthday's? When did we become so grown up... So, anyway, I get home and dad's awake. And he start's saying how it's nice that all of my friends still keep in touch and stuff after high school. How it's good that we all still catch up and hang out once in a while because soon we'll all be spread out, all over the world being married with kids and having careers and living our own lives. And it just hit me that that could be me in like, less than 10 years. I mean, it's already starting. Friends are getting married. Friends are going to work over seas. Doing their own thing, moving out, living far away. I mean, when you're still at high school you expect that everyone's going to stay in the same town forever, and never leave. You'll all be friends forever and nothing will change. We all believe at some point that everything will stay exactly the way it is, forever. And unfortunately that is not the truth. With every new day comes change. And it's change that's hardest to get used to because you don't even notice it happening.
For instance when did we (girls) start worrying about what to wear everyday? When did we start worrying what we looked like? I wanna go back to the days where things were simple. Where we didn't care what we looked like, what we wore, if our hair was messy, if we wore make up, how big our boobs were, how skinny we were. Go back to the days when you could be just friends with a guy. And holding hands was innocent. Back to the days when guys didn't look at you and see you only as a piece of ass. They saw you as a person, and not the exterior. You didn't have to make an effort to get guys to look at you. You didn't dress up just for other peoples benefit.
I miss the days of playing "pretend" or "make believe" outside with your friends without feeling stupid about it. Playing dolls instead of sitting on the internet or tv all day. I miss the days of never being bored. I miss the days where we only used to cry when we got hurt. I miss the days of having no responsibilities. And when 15mins felt like forever. And summer days never ended.

I've only been alive for about 20years. And it's so crazy to think that you will probably live till about 80years old and we are only children for about 10years of that life... Why do we have to grow up so quickly? I mean seriously, I still feel like I'm 16. When do we get to that point where we start to feel our age? I mean, when you're 40 do you still feel like you're 30? 25? Or is it only when you have a job, a husband and kids that you realise that Shit. I'm an adult. I'm grown up?

When we were young.

2011-07-23T01:36:00.000+12:00

I find that my most frequently asked question these days is: "So, how's the man scene going?" "How's the love life?"
And, to be perfectly honest, I never really know how to answer this question. Usually, I laugh it off or make a joke about it, I kinda just shrug it off with a non-committal answer, or just a round-about grumble. I tend to say things like, Oh, uh... I'm too busy right now for a relationship or I don't need a man to make me happy or I'm having fun being single or I'm just trying to focus on Uni at the moment. Generally, all of these are quite big white lies in the effort to stray away from the horrible lack of interest that the male population have in me.
To be completely honest, I have no idea why I am almost 20 and still single. Never had a boyfriend. Tyrone doesn't count. I was 16 and it lasted barely 5 days.
I have never had a relationship. Ever. Nothing I've had with anyone is worth counting. Because, if I think about it, none of it has lasted that long. It seemed like forever but really it was maybe 2 - 3 weeks long, a month at the most.
Every single "thing" I had always started out as this close friendship, and then they ended up moving to that weird space where you both know that you're not just talking about friendship anymore but you're both so scared to make the first move that no one does anything. And, who am I kidding, I was always just the girl friend who you could have fun with. I'm never the girl friend who becomes the Girlfriend. I'm never good enough.
I wasn't good enough for Joey, I wasn't good enough for Jared, or James, or Conor or Nathan or Kyran. I wasn't good enough for Jacob or Josh or Bryn or Jack or Ben or Michael. So, I just gave up trying. Because every time I decide, Okay I'm fine. I'm ready to go back out there and give it another try, I get let down. I get left behind. I get walked out on. I get replaced.

I see all these happy couples around me constantly, who have been together for so long, my friends are getting married. My friends are growing up and having relationships and living. And loving. And knowing what if feels like to really be in love with someone. Knowing how it feels to have someone love you back so completely. And so, I'm left wondering, what am I doing wrong? What is so wrong with me that I'm unable to find someone who I can share my laughter, tears, joy, sadness, weaknesses and strengths, life and love with? Am I that unfortunate looking? Am I that much of a bitch? Am I that much of a horrible person? Or is it because I'm still a virgin? Is it because I don't show enough skin...
Am I destined to be alone for the rest of my life?

Sometimes, I wish I could just go back to the days of being young, when having a crush on someone was the most amazing feeling. When you were just friends and nothing else, and if you held hands well, that just meant you were good friends. I miss the days of being innocent and naive.

Kiss with a Fist

2011-07-04T23:10:00.000+12:00

So far, life is actually going swimmingly. I feel like I'm being wanted. I feel like I'm living. Last week was hectic as all hell. I went out everyday. And I loved it. Don't get me wrong, I was tired as fuck but that means I was having a good time right?

There are so many people I still need to see these holidays and I only have like... a week and a half left. And... I don't have a license so that hinders things a bit.
Also, the fact that I have legitimately zero funds right now is not making things any easier. You'd think all those times buying things for people and being there I'd be compensated. But apparently not =/ Well, my family and BFFL's have been awesome but that's kinda what they're for.

I got a lovely visit from Alex today. He decided to ride in on his Dad's bike. This massive fuck off thing that makes a lot of noise. I enjoy seeing Alex. Even if it's only for a short time. I like that he comes to see me when we're on holidays. I enjoy that he makes the time. Also, Meredith is staying tomorrow night. Which is lovely coz I haven't seen her in forever. And hopefully Danielle will be too. We might go visit Lady Charles. Who I haven't seen in ages. I've decided I'm going to take the time, and make the time to see people I haven't seen in ages. Because, then at least I feel like I've tried. If they don't want my company then they don't want it. Michael kinda talked to me on FB through the veil of commenting. I miss him. But at least I know he still knows I exist. I know I said I'm not waiting around for him, but I kinda feel like I am you know? And I don't want to wait around. I want to find someone. Who won't leave. I'm just really lonely. And I know... I know it's selfish to turn to Bryn in times when I feel lonely. But I miss him. And I know I can count on him to make me feel that little bit less lonely. I just... I miss us sometimes. And there's always that part of me... that part of my heart that skips a beat when he texts me. Or makes my heart flutter when he touches me. Or warms me from the inside when I see him. There's always gonna be that part of me that makes me sigh, because he is so beautiful And I had him once. and I remember all the good times. All the smiles. And cuddles. All the kisses that made my knees go weak. and I sigh... because I want that all back.

Urgh. I legitimately cannot handle this.

2011-07-02T22:47:00.000+12:00

You do not hang out with my friends.
And You do not hang out with my sister.
You particularly don't come over to hang out with my sister. At my house. When I am not home. Because we are friends. Not you and her.
Seriously. If anything is going on I will punch you in the face. Do not even.

The boys all fall in line.

2011-06-23T00:31:00.000+12:00

It's Murphy's law, we always want something we can't have.
And about two years ago, I wanted you. I wanted all of you, forever. With everything. I didn't want you to change, no matter how much it hurt me. Because I wanted you. I needed you. I loved you. I wanted to be the first and only thing on your mind, all day every day. I wanted you to pay attention.
But you never did.
There were so many others, others I hoped would help make things better. But I was so desperate to get over you. To stop thinking about you, to stop hurting. None of them were any better. Sure, they made things okay for a while, maybe a week or two. But in the end I just came out of it more broken.
And then, along comes a guy who pays attention. And then, he's taken away. And now... All I want is for him to pay attention again. I want to be that person on his mind every day again. I miss him. I miss knowing he was only ever just a text away. And now he's gone. Like nothing ever happened.

And ironically, here you are. Finally after so long. Paying attention. Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining. It warms my heart. I just wanna wrap my arms around you and never let go. I wanna kiss you just one last time. For no other reason than to say Thank You. To show you how much you still mean to me.
I just think it's funny though. The way humans are. The way life works out. In the end.

"I love you too Beautiful"

2011-06-21T22:18:00.000+12:00

You have no idea how long I've wanted you to say that.
Even though its been years
It still means a lot :)

Dear M.

2011-06-09T14:34:00.000+12:00

I don't even know where or how to start.
I wish I could tell you all of this. And I wish it would make a difference.

First off... I miss you. A lot.
There isn't a day that goes by that I don't have you on my mind. I wonder how you are. What you're doing and what's going through your head. I wonder what happened that Thursday, that Thursday that feels like so long ago, that made you stop talking to me.
I wish I knew if it was my fault.
What made you do it? What made you get so close to me? and then what made you just walk away like that. Without saying anything.
It hurts. It hurts so fucking much. My heart aches constantly, and I'm forever on the verge of tears. Why did you do it?
Would it be any different if you didn't have to leave? Or was that your plan all along?
What are you gonna be like when you get back?
I have so many unanswered questions. And it's driving me insane.
I wish I could ask you these questions. I wish you'd answer. And I wish I could tell you how much I miss you, and need you. And how much it hurts. And I wish it would make a difference.
This happens so often to me I expect it. But not from you. You paid attention. And you made the effort which was the difference. You texted me first. You offered to come see me. It's never been that way with anyone else. And that's why I guess I grew so fond of you so quickly. I didn't think I'd feel this way after only 2 weeks. But I do. And I don't know what to do. Or how to feel.
Because you were there. All the time, you were real. I could touch you, and feel you and then all of a sudden it was like you never existed. It's not something I can just forget. You're not something, someone I can just forget. Although part of me wishes I could.
And I know, now, I'm going to have to find it in myself to forget you. To let you go. To delete the messages I've kept. But I don't know if I can do that yet...
It's hard. I just don't understand.
Not knowing is the worst part.

You could've knocked me out with a feather.

2011-06-08T13:42:00.000+12:00

This should NOT be affecting me so much. URGH.
Can I just get over you now please.

My heart is the worst kind of weapon

2011-06-07T22:32:00.000+12:00

So, he's gone. It's been about a week, almost, since he's left.
And. I'm doing alright. But I just went to leave a comment on his FB and turns out he's been talking to everyone else but me. He can so easily forget me. Out of sight out of mind right?
It's never that way for me... He's always hanging around in the back of my mind. And it hurts. My heart aches.
And Bryn, I think without knowing it, he's being amazing.
And Brad. He helps a lot to take my mind off things.
Brad's actually amazing. I don't give him enough credit. He always makes me feel okay.

I just wanna run away for a while.
I want to go to a beach with someone. Somewhere where the weather is constantly amazing. And spend lazy days lounging in the sun. Or reading a book. Or swimming. Or walking. Or just generally enjoying someone's company. And no one else is around. Just me and whoever the other person is. I wanna get away from the busy world and just live for me for a while. Find my happiness. Find myself.

I'm so over Uni and life and work and everyday routine. I wanna wake up when I want. And sleep when I want. And eat when I want. And leave when I want. Without restraints or doing things because of the time. I just wanna lay in bed with someone for days. And not care what day of the week or time of day it is. I just need a break. I need a vacation. Away from everyone and everything. I can't wait till it's summer again.

Daddy taught me how to fight.

2011-06-01T18:53:00.000+12:00

My life, doesn't seem to change at all.
The last time I met an amazing guy he was leaving too. We also kissed right before he left.
Except, he still talked to me. He even wrote me while he was away.
And fair enough, he was only gone for 3 weeks, not 4 months. But still.
I don't even know how I feel about this tbh.
There's nothing much I can do now. He's leaving tomorrow.
We talked yesterday. But quite pointedly avoided the question of why we weren't talking in the first place.
It sucks, because I feel like, now when he gets back we can't just go back to the friends we were. And I liked the way we were.
He made me feel less lonely for a while.
Anyway... I'm in the process of getting over it. Reading a lot. Pointedly not doing Uni work. I can't listen to certain songs because they make my stomach drop. And I can't go into Fergs now without being reminded of him.
I seriously need to find someone reliable. Someone who will stay for a while.

One kiss and I will surrender

2011-05-26T18:10:00.000+12:00

... I have MCR on repeat. And this can never mean anything good.
So... yesterday.
Yesterday, me and him. We hung out. I ditched my tutorial for him. Because I wanted to hang out. I wanted to see him. And well... We kissed.
And I needed it. I'd missed it. I've missed everything that comes with it.
And everything was fine.
And today everything was fine.
Although, it all seemed like it was going too well. It all seemed too good to be true. And I was right. It was. I don't feel like I've done anything different. I've been texting and talking in the exact same way. I haven't said or done anything that's clingy... So why are you acting so different. Actually ever since last night. You've been standoffish. Why?
Is it because of the kiss? It shouldn't be. I don't feel any differently towards you than I did yesterday. I don't harbour any greater feelings for you. I still only like you as a friend.
But it's weird not texting you. It's weird not talking to you. I feel like I've done something wrong and I don't know what. Maybe I'm the one looking into it too much. But something feels different.
I know there's no point in feeling anything for you. You're leaving. And I'm not gonna sit around waiting for you. But you have a week left.
I kinda wanna make the most of it before you go...
I understand that you wanna hang with family and friends before you leave. But that doesn't mean that we can still have fun before you leave.
I want us to leave on a good note. Not an awkward one.

Urgh.

2011-05-23T18:11:00.000+12:00

Trying not to get excited or get my hopes up for Thursday.
I might not even be going.
And things might no end up happening. I never know if the things your talking about is literal or just hypothetical.
Hmmmmm....
I'm nervous.

You could be exactly what I need right now.

2011-05-22T14:04:00.000+12:00

And it scares the shit out of me...
I've found someone who I understand. And who understands me.
I can't say I've ever been this close to, and this honest to anyone I've known for a week.
You're beautiful. Inside and out. And you make the effort.
I'm not used to that.
But I know that nothing can come of it now.
Not ever maybe. Maybe our timing is wrong.
But if it's meant to be right?

It's not that I'm going to sit around waiting for you. I'm not hoping that when you get back things will be the same, things will be better. Because a lot can change. And I know that. And I've been hurt too many times to allow myself to fall for hopes stupid ideas.
But atm, I enjoy the way we are. And fuck, you make me nervous sometimes.
And... there's a tiny part of me which is slightly glad that' you're going.
Because I'm so fucking scared. Scared of how you make me feel. Scared of what we could do. Scared of what we could be....
Idk if I'm ready for that again.

Life hates me.

2011-05-16T22:24:00.000+12:00

Recently, things have been going pretty good.
Although, the weeks have been flying by real fast.
I can't wait for Uni to be over though. But anyway, recently Me, Erwin, Courtney and Clayton have been going to Fergs every Thursday and 2 weeks ago, whilst searching for a smoke for Emily, we met this kinda brilliant 2 guys.
And then I saw them again last week.
And they're both quite attractive. But like, there's one. And he's all kinds of amazing.
And after Fergs last Thursday I spent like... an hour and a half searching for this guy on Facebook. And then I finally found him, and we've been talking to each other and texting each other for 2 days straight.
And today... Today he came to see me at Uni.
He actually made the effort.
And just... *sigh*
But.... He's leaving for America in 2 weeks D:
WHAT IS MY LIFE!
And... he's going away for 4 months.
Urgh... Cool life. Cool.

Is this real life? Or is this just Fanta-sea?

2011-05-11T23:52:00.000+12:00

A lot of the time, I wish I wrote inspirational things in this blog. Things that people can take away and learn from. I wish I wrote things that helped people grow or that I wrote things that ended up having a moto to the story. But, unfortunately, I do not write like that.

So, I've probably mentioned this before, but: Procrastination is my BIGGEST flaw.
Right now, I could be doing so many other things other than sitting here and typing this right now.
For example, I could be doing my millions of readings that I have to catch up on for my papers. Or I could be doing research for my assignment new next week. Or, like I planned to be doing, I could be showering. And then getting into bed, and getting some much needed sleep. But I'm not doing that either.
Everything else seems to come before doing the things that NEED to be done. I need to learn to prioritise.
I'm the kind of girl who tries to stay organised. I try to get into a routine. I'm the type of girl who LOVES to write lists, but I don't particularly like to follow the lists I write. Which is quite pointless. And even if I did, by some miracle, actually follow the lists I've written, I end up getting side tracked by so many other things because I'm the type of girl who likes to multi-task. I can't keep my attention on something for such a long period of time.

So, to change the subject, uni wise, I'm starting to worry. I am passing. But only just. Every assignment I've gotten back so far has been a C+ C or C-. Which is a bit of a drop compared to last year. I know this year requires a lot more work. But for the life of me I cannot seem to motivate myself enough. Which is bad. I always seem to have things to distract me. On the brighter side though, I have been feeling oddly happier lately. I can't seem to stop smiling. And I don't feel like I have this ridiculous weight on me. I feel a lot lighter. And since Monday I feel a bit excited for life atm.
Recently, I feel like I've just been existing. Not living. And all of a sudden it's like, I've decided to live. To really LIVE. To experience things I NEED to experience. To get myself back out there. I've been cutting people out of my life that I do not need. Or trying to at least. It's not that I really don't want them there. Because I do. I cherish and appreciate everyone in my life, but right now, some of them just carry with them too much baggage. And that's something I can't afford to be a part of. I need to worry about my own life, and my own problems. Let alone try to fix others.
I'm starting to realise and believe that I am attractive. I'm starting to realise that I am worth something. And I have my amazing friends to thank for that. I'm beginning to learn that I shouldn't rely on anyone else but myself to make me feel happy. Because, somewhere along the line, other people always disappoint you somehow.
Anyway, I'm getting a major headache. So I'm off to shower, then sleep.

Butterflies and the Future

2011-05-09T23:39:00.000+12:00

Today was quite amazing.
It started off amazing. I had my outfit sorted out. And the weather was good :) And the bus did what I wanted it to.
I got to see Bryn today. And it was lovely. I missed him. We talked about life. And it was good.
And then I went into the TV3 Studios.
It made me quite excited about my future. I mean, there are so many aspects of TV production that I never even knew existed.
And I had the lovely Anna Pillay show me around.
And she was so helpful.

Caught Up

2011-05-08T23:02:00.000+12:00

I knew I was being all paranoid for nothing.
And tonight, when I was settling in to hear the worst, it wasn't what I was expecting to hear. God, I just feel like a bit of an idiot worrying about it now.
So tomorrow, I'm going into the TV 3 studio's to see what goes down.
I'm not gonna lie, I'm kinda excited as this could be where my potential future job lies.
Tomorrow, I will see if anything in TV production interests me. I hope it does. And that, I can somehow get some connections going.
Also, hopefully (I am worrying about this) I'm going to meet up with my dear friend Brynmore for a while. I haven't seen him in what feels like years. Although, I know it hasn't actually been that long.
The only thing I'm worrying about is being bailed on again.
Because I can't have that happen to me again. I have issues with that. And I don't know how I'll handle it if I do... I don't want to start crying in the middle of Starbucks if you know what I mean. That would be horribly awkward.
I really shouldn't be worrying so much though.
It's really no good for my insides.

2011-05-07T15:58:00.000+12:00

And like.
I have no reason to be paranoid.
And I hate thinking this about either of you. But fuck.
Because you're you. And will pretty much do anything. And He is who he is and will take what he can get. And fuck.
I shouldn't care. And I shouldn't be freaking out internally. But I am.

Loose Lips.

2011-05-07T15:55:00.000+12:00

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
It's happening. I was hoping it wouldn't.
But my fucking wall's crumbling.
And I'm becoming paranoid.
Fuck.

Pathetic

2011-05-07T01:57:00.000+12:00

So... Tonight ended up being pretty much the shittiest night ever.
Like... I was all ready to go out and have a good fucking night. And then it gets fucked up.
I'm not even gonna go into why.
And like, the weather right now isn't helping either. This rain is really depressing me further.
And all I wanted to do was see Bryn tonight. That was all.
And I was so close. But then we left town.
And URGH. I'm not gonna go into why we left.
But like... I know people don't like the fact that me and Bryn are talking. Or even friends.
I understand he fucked me over. But YOU of all people should fucking understand that I LOVED HIM. And a part of me still loves him. And I miss him like hell. Verbally, nothing can even begin to explain just how much I miss him. My heart physically aches. It hurts.
And YOU of all people should be the last person to lecture me on relationships. Whether mine and Bryn's was a real one to begin with.
At least He's not a fuckwit. And he's not afraid to be honest with me about everything. At least we can just be friends if we wanted to be. We still get along. And I'm never left guessing what the fuck he's doing or how he's feeling.
I have every right and every reason to go back there.
Idek what you keep going back for. He's a wanker and you know it.

This is why I hate people.
I hate everyone. EVERYONE.
With zero exceptions.
I have always been the best friend you could ever have. And I know that. But you don't deserve me. Half the shit you tell me I can't even trust. I can never forget how shitty you made me feel that day after my exam. He was MINE! And you knew that. And yet you didn't give a fuck. You just went after him anyway. This is why I never want to see you. This is why I never want to see anyone.
I've only been good to people. I've never backstabbed someone or tried to steal someone's boyfriend. And I would never. But you just think you can do whatever the fuck you want. AND you get away with it. And it fucks me off. You're manipulative. And sneaky. And a fucking flat out liar. But do I say anything? No. Coz I'm a fucking good friend. I even fucking DEFEND you when people talk shit about you.
I just don't wanna see your face for a long time.

2011-05-02T14:56:00.000+12:00

It's been almost 2 years since I've been in anything close to a relationship. It's fun being single. I'm used to being single. I'm used to belonging to no one else but myself. I'm used to doing things and not having to think about it.
However, I'm still not so used to being so lonely. It's been so long since I've left my heart out for anyone to take that I don't know if I can even bring it out from behind it's walls. I don't know if I can allow myself to do that.
I'm so afraid of hurting again. So afraid of giving my all to someone who won't give their all to me.

A friend recently said to me that if we were together, he'd know he could trust me completely. I'd never leave him guessing about the way I feel.
And that's true. I always wear my heart on my sleeve. I'll always make my other half my world. They will always come first. And I'll tell them more often than they need to know that I love them. And that they mean the world to me. I let them know how much control they have over my life. And sometimes I think that is my problem.
I need to learn to not be so dependent on others to make me feel happy. Or to make me feel complete. I need to learn to be comfortable with being alone. Maybe I'm not meant to have anyone special. Maybe I'll find I'm happiest when I'm alone.
But right now, it surely doesn't fell that way.
On the bus this morning I was thinking, (the bus or the shower is where I do my best and longest thinking), that no matter how long it's been. No matter what we've been through. I could so easily - and it would be easy - fall in love with him again.
It wouldn't even be a problem. Because I know him. I know is flaws. And I love them anyway. I know his regrets. I know his likes. It would just be so easy.
But idk if I want to fall in love with him again.
And, I read somewhere just before that when one door closes, another one opens. But we're so afraid of losing what we had that we're to busy trying to open the closed door that we don't notice a new door opening for us.
I don't wanna open the closed door if I'm going to miss out on a new door opening.

I guess I just miss him. I miss the familiar. I miss things being comfortable and easy.

"When the Lord closes a door, Somewhere, He open's a window"

2011-05-01T22:33:00.000+12:00

"Lets pretend baby, that you've just met me.
And I've never seen you before.
And I'll tell all my friends that I think you're starin'
And you'll say the same to yours.

And oh, we'll dance around it all night.
And then I'll follow you outside.
And try to open up my mouth
And nothing comes out right

And I wanna fall in love with you again.

I don't have to try. It's so easy who needs to pretend?
But because, it's so funny.
Lets just think about it honey.
Lets just fall in love again." ♥

BAH!

It's crazy how life happens sometimes.
It's like... Idk. Even though things seem to change, life just goes back round it loops. And you end up back where you were before. Except maybe, a bit more worse for wear.
Like, the other night with Courtney, we were talking about stuff. And like... Things from the past came up in conversation. And it brought up all those old feelings. And just... I really missed him. I really miss him. And sometimes, I just wish I could go back to before. But... But as the way we are now.
We both know what went wrong. And we know our mistakes. And we know each other. I'd just be easy and comfortable. And I want that. I need that.
And we'd work on it, instead of getting all hissy and stubborn. We'd make it work somehow.
But... I'm not in love with you anymore. And it sucks.

In other news. Erwin's drinks last night was awesome!
I haven't had that much fun in a while. BFFL wasn't there though. Which I was not happy about. Idk... thing. them. URGH. They're just pissing me off atm. But whatever.
I thought I'd end up feeling all shitty about last night. With those two being there.
But it worked out okay :) I still think he's a total babe. And maybe got my flirt on... But I was drunk. And he's attractive. And nice. And flirts back. So... *shrugs*
All was well. Got some epic photo's thanks to Eden running around with my camera :)
Anyway... It's 11.10pm and I have an Essay to write due for tomorrow. So I better get my write on. x

2011-05-01T22:19:00.000+12:00

Lets pretend baby, that you've just met me
And I've never seen you before.
I'll tell all my friends that I think you're starin'
And you'll say the same to yours.

And oh, we'll dance around it all night
And then I'll follow you outside
And try to open up my mouth
And nothing comes out right

And I wanna fall in love with you again.
I don't have to try, it's so easy.
Who needs to pretend?
But because it's so funny, lets just think about it honey.
Lets just fall in love again.

Blah... Man.

I'd Pay To See You Frown.

2011-04-30T11:46:00.000+12:00

So... I woke up in a relatively good mood this morning. Then I remembered my life sucks.
And I miss my SimonBFFL coz I never even see him anymore.
And tonight, we're to Erwin's drinks which I was SUPER excited about because he was gonna be there. But now that I know he's not single, and she's gonna be there. And they're gonna be there. Together. And like, they can't really be "together" coz they don't want anyone to know. BUT I KNOW. And like... I'm not even supposed to know. I'm just good at smelling out my own impending doom when it's staring me in the face.
Now I just wanna get really shit faced with BFFL and dance and party and particularly not give a fuck about anything.

Also, what I really hate, is when your best guy mates get girlfriends. And it's like, you stop existing to them. And their life revolves around their other halves and it's like... But we're boiz you know. And I miss you! We had good times hanging out and chilling and just generally being in each others faces and spaces 24/7... It sucks lots.
-shrugs- I'll stop moping and feeling sorry for myself now :)

Gotta clean my room PROPERLY this time. And then get showered and go to the plaza to carry on with my observational research project for Urban Anthro. It's pretty chill tbh, sitting like a stalker, watching how people use spaces...

Tragic with a capital T.

2011-04-30T00:15:00.000+12:00

URGH! I literally HATE my life.
I don't even know why I bother liking anyone. Coz every time I even just... Every time I put just a little bit of my heart out there it gets crushed and smashed up into a million pieces.
So... Tonight I went out to dinner with a whole bunch of lovely ladies for my friends 20th. And it was amazing.
But I was talking to one of my best mates and this lovely girl was asking her if she had a man in her life...
She does.
And turns out the guy she's going out with. Is the guy that I've just recently had a crush on =/
I knew this was gonna happen. I mean. I knew they were like, best mates. But like... I thought she had a boyfriend. Turns out she was single. They just started dating this week.
And like... FUCK.
He's just the most amazing guy EVER. Like, legit. He's perfect. And I had to sit there and pretend to not die through the entire conversation. To be perfectly honest though, I'm good at pretending I'm happy when I'm not. But like... Fuck.
I just can't seem to catch a break these days, it's like someone's put a curse on me... Maybe I should just go on dates? Idk...
I've tried that before. And that worked out pretty shitty.
My life seriously fucking sucks. URGH.

You Know How I Do

2011-04-27T17:42:00.000+12:00

Typical Cassie-way of doing things.
I have... 4 days till Uni starts back up. And I have 2 assignments due back the first week.
Trust me to have not started any of them.
And my internet is being slow! So I don't even know what I'm supposed to be researching for my Urban Anthro assignment. And I just KNOW it's gonna be like, a ridiculous amount of work because it's a 300 level paper. And OMG. Everything just needs to slow the fuck down. I literally can't wait till I'm finished with Uni. I only have like, a year and a half to go. And then, I'll be free to do whatever I want.
I still feel like I have some MAJOR growing up to do.
I still need to learn time management.
And. I still need to learn how to prioritise things. For example. I know I should be doing my assignments now instead of this but I can't bring myself to do it either. AND the page won't load so... there's that excuse.

Also, in other news, Travis was up from Wellington for the past week. He came into work on Monday :) I didn't realise how much I actually missed him. He wanted to hang, but I was going out Monday night =/ Hopefully next time he's up we can hang.

Hate Life.

2011-04-26T22:18:00.000+12:00

As the title states, I pretty much hate life right now.
I'm such a fucking closet Emo. It's disgusting.
First off, the weather is fucking terrible. Fucking stormy and shit. It has been this way for like 3 days straight with legit NO blue skies or let up at all. So I have reason to be at least a bit depressed and pissed off.
Secondly, my immune system is still a fucking whimp. And I'm sick again. WOO!
And I'm still lonely. And just... fucking. Idk. It's horrible.
And like....
There's this guy kinda. But not really.
Idk.... I can't really say 'but not really' considering I'm acknowledged him and I've told 2 people about him. This.... this right here is a fucking crush already. And it's always been there. Kinda. I mean. I've always thought he was pretty awesome. And attractive. And he is. But he's just like, just recently become available. And I just... I don't wanna be one of those girls you know?
And we hung out recently and I wasn't expecting to go out there and feel like this. But like. He was cute. And nice. And warm. And I was... I was being me. And now. Idk.
And we've been texting. Lots. Except for the past 2 days. And now I feel like shit. Which I shouldn't. Coz there's like, a million logical reason's why he hasn't been texting me... But still. I'm feeling all meh. AND feeling stupid for feeling like this. Typical.

*sigh*

This is the way that we love, like it's forever. Then spend the rest of our lives, but not together.

2011-04-17T22:14:00.000+12:00

It's been a few months since I've blogged. And honestly, I don't actually remember blogging that. It's been quite a while.
idk why I've decided to blog again. I guess. I just need to write. To ramble on about nothing to no one in particular.

Recently, quite a lot recently everyone has been pissing me off. And I mean EVERYONE. Whether they're one of my closest friends. Someone I see everyday. Someone I've known since forever. Everyone.
Actually... That's a lie. The few exceptions are Danielle, Morgan, Alethea and Tez.

Other than that, I just feel that people are smothering me. People won't leave me the fuck alone to do what I want in peace you know? Everyone's always expecting me to do things. Everyone's wanting to see me. And be with me. And make sure I'm okay. And I just want to be left alone. I hate every couple I see. Coz I'm sitting her wallowing in my own fucking misery, feeling sorry for myself. And I don't fucking care. If I try find someone, I get hurt. If I don't, well... I still end up getting fucking hurt. Not getting attached is something I've been trying out for the past few months. And it's working in the sense that I haven't gotten my heart broken. But it's not working in the sense that I'm fucking miserable beyond belief.
And, I know I shouldn't rely on any boy to make me happy. But nothing seems to be working. Sure... I'll be more than average some of the time, depending who I'm with. But the majority of the time I just wanna punch things. And cry.

But as usual, I walk around with a smile plastered on my face.

I wish I was the kinda girl that would walk around in public and guys would double take and think. WOW. I wish I could get to know her. Wow. She's beautiful.

And. I don't know. I thought... I thought I was better. But I'm becoming a hermit. I don't wanna see anyone. I still feel broken. And empty and I don't know how to fix it.

I'm unmotivated. And I don't want to care about anything. I just.
I wanna run away. Go somewhere. Just drive. Leave. On my own. And just stay somewhere by myself for a while. And scream. And cry. And think. And drink till I pass out. And do reckless things. And just fucking live, you know? I feel like I'm just existing. Not living. And I need to live.

I need reassurance. I need to know that I'm worth something. I need to know that I'm someone's world you know?

I need... I need to be someone's everything.

2011-02-23T00:00:00.000+13:00

Wow. It's been ages since I've blogged.
I would've done this on tumblr, but that's a bit too public...
So...
Ha. Funny how this is about ben too.
So like. idk.
Idk if he's doing this coz He think's it's funny. Or it's just a coincidence that this keeps happening.
He always seems to text me. And then after like 1 or 2 texts he just doesn't text back.
Idek.... It hurts me. But I don't know if I should tell him. Coz he'll probably take it as a joke anyway. Him and Mark. They've just become mean. And the joking around. It's not joking around to me.
I'm insecure enough already without having to deal with those two being dicks to me coz they think it's funny.
I feel there's no one I can just... talk to. The way I used to.
And as much as I love talking to Tilly and Simon. They have each other. They have their own problems. And I basically know the answers they're going to give me.
I want something different.
I'm so over feeling so lonely.

2010-12-08T17:10:00.000+13:00

Why is it that whenever plans are made I'm either ditched or forgotten?
*sigh*
Well, Ben and I, we made plans to hang tomorrow instead, just me and him. If he ditches me again. Or makes up some other reason not to hang I think it might break me. Not for the fact that it's him ditching me. More just the fact that I'm being run out on. Again. It's like, he's a totally different person face to face. I don't think he knows how to just be friends with girls... I mean, he's slaying it. Not gonna lie. But what happens when you need someone to talk to?
I remember I used to be that one. He'd tell me everything. And ask me what to do about his girl situations. I miss that. But, I guess that was back in the day when he didn't live just 5 minutes down the road. Not just being a virtual thing changes that. Put things in a different perspective.

In other news, I'm still single. Still have no licence. But I got my results back from Uni, and I've passed. And quite well might I add :) Christmas is about 3 weeks away. And it's kinda blowing my mind a bit. Summer is definitely here. The weather is gorgeous just about every single day. And I've gone completely black now :) Well, almost at the black I was before I came here.
Last week I went to Matarangi with Tilly, Devon, Sammy and Katie. It was probably the most fun I've had in a while. I enjoy being this age. Late teens. 20's looming. Even though you have responibilities I feel so care free about everything. I can do anything I want. And it's totally awesome!
And, my mood's been hovering just above average lately. So things are okay :)

Peace xo

2010-10-15T12:20:00.001+13:00

"Do you do what you did when you were with me?
Does she love you the way I can?
Did you forget all the plans that you made with me?
Coz baby I didn't."

Well... Life recently's just been trudging along. I'm almost completely free of Uni. First year is over and down with and I honestly cannot believe how fast the time went. It's almost been an entire year. And appart from getting my first year of a degree over and done with, and partying a lot more, nothing has really changed. I'm still at home. Still working my 2 jobs. Still licenceless. and still single. What is my life.
Sometimes, I kinda wish I could go back in time. Change some things. But then I think about it, and then I really don't. Coz then I might not end up where I am now. And, honestly, I really couldn't imagine not living life the way I'm living it right now. It's in the moment. It's brilliant. It's wreckless teenage spontaneity at it's best, and I wouldn't have it any other way. Well... maybe if I had a boyfriend. LOL but that's not really a necessity tbh.

in other totally not related news. I finally now have Supernatural Season 2 on DVD. After searching for like... at least a year. And, tragically I only have 2 episodes to go until I'm complete with watching the season. Urgh, my life. Or lack there of.
And I know all of your are DYING to hear about my current rise to fame in Bare Minimum *sarcasm*
We've had band practices. Done one recording. It's all a bit like... OKAY WFT ARE WE DOING. But it's fun all the same. The boys are going to Australia though, so I don't know where that leaves me and Ash tbh. Not that I mind much. Studies are more important right now. I can always get famous later :)

Anyway... That's basically my life in a nutshell atm.
However! Summer is slowly creeping into our lives here in little old New Zealand. Which means shittonns of beach days. Which excites me a whole bunch.

Peace xo

Life on lifes terms

2010-10-01T14:27:00.000+13:00

So... life's just been rolling on as usual. It's not really stopping to make sure I'm keeping up though. Which I feel it needs to do as I'm kinda falling behind.
I just realised the other day that I haven't blogged in a very long time.
But... I haven't really had anything to blog about.

I've put up walls when it comes to boys these days.
I no longer trust as quickly and as easily.
I've realised I'm playing with their emotions. With their heads. In the same way I was messed with. I don't like it.
But I can't seem to stop.
It's like a disease.
My head's saying no.
But my heart's saying rip them to pieces. The same way the ripped you. get your revenge.

Who is the boy in this picture!?!

2010-09-18T21:13:00.000+12:00

A few weeks ago I would've answered this question with, THIS IS ADISON!
But it isn't adison... I really wanna know who the person I've loved for so long is.
AND! Where the fuck Cherie got ALL these pictures of him.

2010-09-16T10:58:00.000+12:00

It's all just a game we all like to play. Till someone gets hurt. And usually that one is me. So if you don't wanna hurt me. Don't make me think I have a chance at winning the game.

Baby, It's Fact

2010-09-16T10:35:00.000+12:00

Okay. so... First things first. Adison Valenzuela is not real.
For the past few years this girl called Cherie Valenzuela (apparently) has been pretending to be him. And I don't know what to do. OR what to think. It's like he died. All those late night talks and plans... And our songs :( It's all not real. None of it was true.
Baby, It's Fact... =/
Also...
Saturday was a bad idea.
Me and Jack. I dunno. We got really drunk. And did things. And the entire time I just remember thinking. This all feels so wrong. I'm not feeling anything right now. I should be feeling something. I was so unemotionally attached it scared me. That's not like me. At all.
I think maybe my expectations exceeded reality. Even for myself.
Idk... I'm not as shattered as I should be. Jack doesn't want me. And I don't really think I want him either. I want the idea of having someone to myself. But I'm so protective of my boys. I get so jealous. Whether I like them in that way or not. It's strange.
Baby, It's Fact...

"maybe I wasn't made for this world...."

Peace xo

Old.

2010-09-06T14:53:00.000+12:00

I'm 19 now.
Nothing feels different.
Nothing feels the same.
Still with the same problems.
It's weird. Thinking back to last year. I was much drunker. There were less people.
It was so much better this year.
I was going to rant about all the people that didn't turn up.
But I've decided not to. I'm not angry anymore.
I've seen jack a couple of times.
It was going good. Now it's not again.
I love Jarrod a lot more than I should I think.
I had a wierd dream about him last night, one in which he nearly died. It was very displeasing.

Peace xo